Hartland doesn’t have its own newspaper.

Wednesday, February 06, 2002

Hartland doesn’t have its own newspaper. We depend on Hartland Harold to keep us informed. Harold tells the news from Hartland. Here are the headlines.

The Colonel Store (Hartland isn’t big enough to have a General Store) offers the bestselling bumpersticker, &uot;Honk if I’m Norwegian.&uot;

Federal Expresso is thinking of opening a business in town. The company’s slogan is, &uot;When you absolutely, positively have to stay up all night.&uot;

Hugh Mungus was crossing the street in Hartland when a bookmobile hit him. Hugh was lying there screaming in pain when the driver got out of the bookmobile and said, &uot;Shhhh!&uot;

The special this month at the Chronic Caf\u00E9 is &uot;mostly chicken&uot; and the caf\u00E9’s hours have been changed to whenever anyone can get there.

The Hartland Liars Club celebrated meeting every day for 200 years without missing even one day with a champagne and caviar breakfast served by Playboy bunnies as Wayne Newton and Dolly Parton entertained.

The new ATM at the gas station was very busy until people found out that it was their own money they were getting.

Gladys Overwith spends four hours stuck in traffic in Hartland. She said that she might have enjoyed the experience a little more had she been in a car instead of on foot.

Goldie Digger married Hiram Cheap, the lutefisk tycoon. She is 26 years old and he is 94. It is a football marriage – she is waiting for him to kick off.

William B. Williams (the B. stands for Bill) makes plans to trace the epic journey of Lewis and Clark. It will be a difficult task as Jerry Lewis and Dick Clark really never traveled together that much.

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he eats for life. Give a man a plate at the all-you-can-eat buffet at the Hartland House of Cod and he is in the bathroom for a week.

Local gas station holds grand opening offering free air for the tire of your choice.

Local baseball team acquires pitching machine. The machine pitched a no-hit game against them.

City council votes to allow sidewalks to remain unrolled until 10 p.m. on weeknights.

The fishing tournament at Uppita Lake is canceled due to wet dynamite.

Marcus Absent emerges 12 years after disappearing in his parents’ attic. He brought back a tale of being raised by boxes and old exercise equipment.

Environmental groups picket Noah Vale’s home after old-growth cobwebs are discovered in his spare bedroom.

Ginger Vitis, the 434-pound Avon lady, becomes the city’s largest business.

Camp Wedgie Youth Camp closes, leaving behind a plethora of painful memories for generations of campers.

Police investigate theft of money from local pop machine. Eyewitness describes the alleged lawbreaker as &uot;Clarence.&uot;

The special at the Mule Lake Cafe is &uot;been soup.&uot; It has been soup, but nobody is quite sure what it is now.

The Village of Bath once consisted of a church, a tavern and a jail. On a good day, a man could visit all three.

Community Ed Program offers a course on proper and safe flyswatter usage.

Bath School postpones its sixth Grade Graduation Exercises until four of the students finish jury duty.

Hartland resident, Mumbling Madson, writes the world’s shortest blues song, &uot;I Didn’t Wake Up This Morning.&uot;

A device that translates rap music for people over 40 years old is invented by Gene Yuss.

Hap N. Stance wins the Hartland Lottery. He will receive $100 a year for a million years.

Tom Carr opens a used plumbing shop in Hartland. Claiming to be the most honest man in town, the sign on his store reads, &uot;Honest Carr, Used John Salesman.&uot;

Bath Cafe refuses to serve anyone wearing a necktie and offers coffee at 50 cents per half-hour.

Brawl breaks out in local cafe when someone sits in somebody else’s chair.

Mysterious white powder scare ends when it is found to be snow.

Bowling alley shuts down for repair after overhand bowling tournament.

Local 911 emergency service has a two-day waiting list.

Local bank is unable to make any more loans because Bill Gates has all of the money in the world.

Marlon Brandy arrested after his moonshine still leak leads to cirrhosis of the river.

Bath Cafe offers a lunch special of recognizable animal parts and potatoes. It replaces the rabbit stew that was thrown out after someone found a hare in it.

Hartland resident Al Batt writes columns for the Wednesday and Sunday editions of the Tribune.