“Remember, wherever you go, there you are.” &045;Earl MacRauch, &uot;The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension,&uot; 1984

Memorial Day is over and the travel season is now upon us. America’s highways will soon be bustling with the traffic of vacationing families. Having spent a fair share of time on the road in the recent past, I would like to share some travel tips that made my trips easier.

When travelling out of state, if possible, speak in a fabricated accent similar to the one used in the movie “Fargo.” If you haven’t seen that movie, just use your best “Ole and Lena” voice. Make sure to pepper your speech with expressions like “yah,” “you betcha,” “you got that right” and “uff-da.” If you can’t fake an accent like this or bring yourself to use these expressions, just tell people you meet that you are from southern Minnesota, and they only sound like that “up north.” It adds to the mystique of Minnesota and helps our tourism industry.

Do not buy one of those fold-up maps they sell at the gas stations and travel centers. Anybody can unfold them, but unless you have a degree in origami, closing them properly is tantamount to solving Rubik’s Cube (without cheating). Buy or borrow an atlas. Sure, it’s more expensive, but you get all 50 states, Canada and Mexico. And you don’t even have to fold it &045; just roll it up and stuff it between the seats. As a bonus, maps wear out from folding, but an atlas will last almost forever. At least until we get some more states, anyway.

For those who don’t use maps, when travelling in unfamiliar territory, leave a trail to follow on your return trip so you don’t get lost. One thing that works well is to hold a can of spray paint out the window and mark the road. It works especially well if you use a highly noticeable color, such as fluorescent orange. Why do you think the highway department uses colors like that? Avoid black, gray, yellow or white. Those are harder to spot. By the way, this trick only works on paved roads &045; not on gravel. Anyone vacationing in Hooterville will have to either get out and mark fence posts or find their own way to leave a trail.

If you are travelling by airplane, try to fly east to west. It’s much quicker than flying west to east. My wife and I once flew to Las Vegas in about one hour, but the return flight took almost five hours. I think it has something to do with the wind.

Some people like to take pictures to look at later and remember their trip. Unless you have an instant or a digital camera, though, you’ll never know for sure if the picture turned out until you have the film developed. A good way to make sure you don’t miss that shot of your family standing in front of the Museum of Questionable Medical Devices (which, by the way, is a real place) is to take three or four shots, just in case. At least one of them should turn out. You might even want to get double prints to share with those who weren’t fortunate enough to go with you.

Keep an eye out for interesting signs, in town and on the road. You never know just what you’ll see. I’ve seen a hair salon called “Curl Up and Dye” and signs that read “Eat here and get gas.” On a recent trip, my wife and I actually saw an advertisement for a restaurant called “The Backyard Grill.” I had no idea people in the Duluth area were reading my column, let alone using my ideas.

If you are travelling in a foreign country, keep in mind that most countries in the world speak English as well as their native language. If, however, you run into people who don’t understand you, just speak slowly and loudly and they’ll eventually figure out what you mean. Incidentally, I have some final, important advice for anyone planning a trip outside of the United States this season: Customs officials have absolutely no sense of humor. Trust me on this one.

Happy travelling.

Dustin Petersen is an Albert Lea resident. His column appears Tuesdays.