Hartland does not have its own newspaper, but it does have Harold. Harold gathers the news. Here are the headlines according to Hartland Harold.

The Bath Cafe offers to rent teeth to any diner who has forgotten his dentures at home.

Hartland Township’s Convention and Tourism Board adopts the motto, &uot;Come and see our corn.&uot;

The Ding-A-Ling Brothers Circus may be forced to close due to financial problems. &uot;The creditors are going straight for our juggler,&uot; said a circus spokesman.

Hartland Foods offers a new food product, Hartland Chicken Noodle Soup. It is made out of genuine chicken heads.

The official taster at the Pitts’ Prune Juice Factory, Bjorn Toulouse, is fired for missing work.

Big star, who was believed to be dead, seen at local cafe. Yes, Elvis was seen at Greaseland.

Debra Kedabra fills out a simple form and wins an IRS tax audit.

Infamous calendar thief, Hans Zupp, gets 12 months.

Giant gold paint spill leaves Denton Fender with a gilt complex.

Study done at Hartland College proves that a body at rest tends to watch TV.

Noah Zark starts company that manufactures boats out of fieldstone. &uot;We’re just getting the company off the ground and it is a real hardship,&uot; says Zark.

Two chiropractors, Moe Mentum and Orson Buggy, open a joint venture in the city.

The Hartland Stove Company invents a microwave fireplace that will keep you warm all night in just 45 seconds.

Man falls into upholstery machine, but is fully recovered now.

Egotists’ Club forms in Hartland. Members believe in an I for an I.

Bjorn Toulouse injured while using toilet. Fortunately, it was just a flush wound.

The Board of Education meets at Slim Splinter’s Lumberyard.

Local orthopedist retires. &uot;I’m just bone tired,&uot; says Doctor Skeleton.

The hard rock group, the Ferruginous Pygmy Owls, will perform their incredibly loud music at the Hartland Civic Center. Tickets are $50, but ears will be pierced for free.

An economic study done by Hartland College finds that the best time to buy almost everything was last year.

Carpenters’ Union forms splinter group.

Warren Peace bought a trampoline. His cat walked on it and began to bounce. It bounced and bounced. It bounced for hours, then days and then bounced for weeks. Warren finally had to shoot the feline to keep it from starving to death.

The Mule Lake Cafe will not close until you eat your vegetables.

Pat Pending invents anti-theft device to protect toupees from being stolen. The invention is called the Hair Club For Men.

Hartland Domino Champion, Wherediddy Gogh, was recently buried in local cemetery. His tombstone soon tipped over, causing all of the other stones to tip over, too.

When the Hartland Kazoo Band plays, people cannot keep their feet still. At least that was the explanation given as the reason why the entire crowd walked out during their last performance.

Retired music teacher, Clara Nett, has trained her knees to crack out the song, &uot;Wild Thing.&uot;

Ex-wife has her deceased ex-husband, a former fire alarm salesman, cremated.

Trying to find a way to fit gasoline into everyone’s budget, a local gas station begins to sell gas by the fifth.

UFO Hotline opens in Hartland to help people identify Unidentified Fried Objects.

The City Hall in Bath catches fire and burns right down to its axles.

Ole O. Margarine and May O. Clinic announce their engagement by spray painting their names on an overpass.

Hal O’Again cancels his toenail-clipping exhibition at the local library when he couldn’t provide enough safety goggles for everyone who wanted to see it.

The jaws of life were used to free Hugh Mungus from the blood pressure machine down at the Meager Market. This lead to the food store having its busiest day ever.

A dog owned by a Hartland newspaper columnist eats the ink-stained wretch’s car keys. Both man and dog are forced to hitchhike to the veterinarian’s office.

The Hartland Bait Shop offers sushi lunches.

In reaction to a great number of car/deer collisions, local township officials remove &uot;Deer Crossing&uot; signs in the hopes that it will discourage the deer from crossing the roads.

Conan the Librarian is happy to announce that the Bath Library will have a showing of the world’s largest Pop Tart collection. No toasters will be allowed on the premises during the showing.

Hartland resident Al Batt writes columns for the Wednesday and Sunday editions of the Tribune.