Halloween

“Eye of newt and toe of frog,

Wool of bat and tongue of dog.

Adder’s fork and blind-worm’s sting,

Lizard’s leg and owlet’s wing.

For a charm of powerful trouble,

Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

Double, double, toil and trouble.

Fire burn and cauldron bubble.”

No, that’s not one of the recipes from the school lunch program at the old grade school in Hartland.

It’s an excerpt from Macbeth written by a fellow named William Shakespeare.

It is something that I hear around Halloween each year.

I know when it’s Halloween.

I begin seeing flocks of Santa Clauses lurking in shopping areas.

It is that time of year when apparently sane adults turn off all of the lights in their homes and hide behind their sofas.

They do so in preparation of stiffing trick-or-treaters.

Yes, it is Halloween.

Goblins and ghouls and ghosts, oh, my! It is the time of the year when your tree might have eyes.

It’s the time of the year when kids pretend to be someone else.

They are supposed to do this even if they have to wear a cheap mask held in place with a rubber band. Beggar’s Night is a time for kids to make use of all those rubber masks lying around in their closets. One year, I wore a scuba mask.

I was a master at bobbing for apples that Halloween.

Another year, I discovered that spray paint makes a terrible costume and that bobbing for French fries is quite painful.

Kids don costumes so that they look like Britney Spears, Elvis Presley, something from Harry Potter, Dracula, a SUV driver or a multicolored Asian lady beetle.

This is more proof that a kid will do almost anything for candy.

The average person in the USA eats over 100 pounds of sugar each year, with a little over 99 of those pounds consumed at Halloween.

Halloween sometimes gets a bad rap. The only goblin around Hartland takes place at the cafe. There are good things that happen thanks to Halloween.

When the windows of some folks get soaped-well, it is the only time of the year those windows get washed.

When the trees are toilet papered, it is not a bad thing.

The toilet paper is still perfectly good for its intended use, even though the sogginess will give a guest a bit of a surprise.

There are some bad things that happen on Halloween. Those big orange, marshmallow-like candies that are shaped like a peanut and passed off as treats for instance. These candy wannabes are not fit for man nor beast.

And there is a reason that farmers don’t grow that candy corn in their fields.

If you find yourself in need of a trick, here are some fun things you can do this Halloween.

Soap the Windows on someone’s computer.

Put lutefisk in a brown paper bag.

Place it on a front porch and set it on fire.

Then ring the doorbell.

Play some really scary music &045; maybe something by the Dixie Chicks.

Give out deviled eggplant, macaroni and cheese whiz, or chocolate chip cookies with the chips held in place with Elmer’s Glue as treats.

Those cheese-and-sausage catalogs that pile up in our mailboxes also make wonderful treats.

Kids can look at photos of food while doing some of their Christmas shopping.

Once you reach a certain age, it becomes much easier to become scared.

A look in a mirror usually frightens me. I can give myself a real fright by walking out into the dark of night and tapping myself on the shoulder.

Of course, if I really want to give myself a terrible scare, I will watch a horrifying movie &045; like “Thelma and Louise.”

Men, take my advice and never watch this movie alone.

I used to go to Halloween parties with my friend Robert.

His family owned an apple orchard. We were invited to a lot of parties.

They wanted me to take off my mask and scare people and they wanted Bob for apples.

I liked to be in the company of someone dressed as a witch.

Then whenever I needed to know what time it is, she could just look at her witch watch.

Here is a little tip from your old Uncle Al.

Kids, if you want to dress up in a nifty costume and really trick someone, come on a day other than Halloween.

I’ve got to go.

I have to make sure all of the chocolate goodies are kept on the high shelves, out of my wife’s reach.

(Hartland resident Al Batt’s column appears on Sundays and Wednesdays in the Albert Lea Tribune.)