By Al Batt, Tribune columnist

Yet another attempt by this ink-stained wretch to answer readers’ questions.

&uot;What did the last fortune cookie you read say?&uot; It said that I was a pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from baked products.

&uot;I read your column on the internet. It appears that you are from Minnesota. What part?&uot; All of me.

&uot;Do you believe in gun control?&uot; Anybody who doesn’t believe in gun control ought to be shot.

&uot;What is deja-moo?&uot; It’s the feeling that you’ve heard that bull before.

&uot;Are you able to count up to 10 using your fingers?&uot; No, I am only able to count to nine. I have to use one finger to count the others.

&uot;Do you believe that if you repeat something often enough people will believe it?&uot; Yes, I do. It must be true; people have been saying that for years.

&uot;What is the Batt family reunion like?&uot; It’s like &uot;Hee-Haw&uot; without the sophistication.

&uot;Why is it important that we learn to take criticism at an early age?&uot; It prepares us to be the parent of a teenager one day.

&uot;Why do people smoke around nonsmokers?&uot; If they don’t care about their health, why should they care about the health of others?

&uot;I sent my dog to obedience school. Where could I send my cat?&uot; Kittygarten.

&uot;How can I stop cats from walking on my car?&uot; Leave your windows down, so they can get inside.

&uot;Is a cardboard belt worth buying?&uot; No, it’s just a waist of paper.

&uot;When a man stands on his head, all the blood runs to his head. Why doesn’t all of the blood run to his feet when he walks?&uot; Because his feet aren’t empty.

&uot;What is willpower?&uot; The ability to eat only one potato chip.

&uot;What is the provider of mass transportation called in Hartland?&uot; A John Deere tractor.

&uot;What do you base your superb fashion sense upon?&uot; I only wear clothes that don’t itch.

&uot;What do you think of cell phones?&uot; I think that if we were meant to use cell phones, our mouths would be on the side of our heads.

&uot;If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, would you be able to hear it?&uot; It would depend whether the vacuum cleaner is on or off.

&uot;Are you a good typist?&uot; I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.

&uot;Is success really relative?&uot; Yes, the greater the success, the more relatives.

&uot;How do the Amish hunt?&uot; They sneak up on a deer and then build a barn around it.

&uot;Was your family poor while you were growing up?&uot; We were so poor, we only had one VCR &045; we had to move it from room to room.

&uot;If 12 makes a dozen, how many make a billion?&uot; Very few.

“How can I keep co-workers from stealing my bagels?” Put lox on them.

“Will naps retard the aging process?” Yes, especially if you take one while you’re driving.

“What is in the ‘Hartland tool kit’ you promote?” There are two items in the kit: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn’t, use duct tape.

“Did you have an electric blanket when you were a boy?” Yes, my parents gave me one in the hopes that it would help cure me of bedwetting.

“What is it called when a swallow returns?” A burp.

“Were you thin as a boy?” I was so skinny that I had to walk by twice to make a shadow.

&uot;Why don’t you like televised fishing?&uot; It’s like watching someone mow his lawn.

&uot;Were you a member of a fraternity when you were in college?&uot; Yes, I was a proud member of SAM &045; Sigma Alpha Moron.

&uot;Are the best things in life really free?&uot; Yes, they are. How many kittens do you want?

&uot;What was Samuel Clemens’s pen name?&uot; He never named his pen.

&uot;How could we get drivers to slow down?&uot; Give every driver a cell phone. People drive more slowly while they are talking on a phone.

&uot;Which is worth more, an old 10-dollar bill or a new one?&uot; An old 10-dollar bill is always worth more than a new one-dollar bill.

&uot;How come people drive so fast on the interstate?&uot; It’s a state law that a driver must pass the car ahead of him.

&uot;Did some primitive people really use fish for money?&uot; It’s true, but their ATM machines were a mess.

&uot;It sounds like you travel a lot. Does your wife miss you?&uot; She has ever since I filed the sight off her BB gun.

(Hartland resident Al Batt writes a column for the Tribune each Wednesday and Sunday.)