Tuesday in our newspaper we had a story about a LeRoy man who allegedly stole a combine and took it for a drunken ride in Iowa. When I first saw this story, my mind perked up with some questions that only an incident like this could provoke.

How much alcohol does it take to jump into a combine, start it up and drive through several yards, strike numerous vehicles, street signs as well as a garage and a bridge?

What color were the vehicles? The reason I ask is if they were yellow like corn, the story would make more sense.

Are you a Gophers fan or an Iowa Hawkeyes fan? (I am leaning toward you being an Iowa fan.)

Did the street signs say “No combine crossing here”?

When do you think the alleged man sobered up enough to say, “Wow, I am in so much trouble”?

Do you think shenanigans is the proper term for an offense like this? I mean the man is charged with first offense operating a combine while intoxicated, third-degree burglary, third-degree theft and criminal mischief as a class C felony. I think there should be a charge of first-degree shenanigans — that would cover situations like this.

Can you see yourself in court charged with first-degree shenanigans? All the people around you would just know that you did something really dumb and bad — all at the same time.

The sheriff’s report said the deputies were dispatched at 2:30 a.m. Sunday morning.

Does anything good ever happen for poor deputies and police officers at this time?

I mean the bars have just let out, and they are dealing with drunken drivers — in cars and trucks — who are intoxicated and belligerent. Do they really need to add a person who is drunk driving a combine on top of all of what they normally have to deal with? I think we need to applaud these officers for having to deal with this unusual circumstance.

I also think this brings up additional questions about the type of sobriety testing this drunken combine driver is put through.

Do you need to even give him a sobriety test once something like this happens? I would think the fact that a garage, cars, signs and a bridge were struck is enough evidence that this person is drunk.

If in fact you do need a sobriety test, does walking a straight line need to be upgraded to maybe knowing the make and model on the combine you are using? Is it a John Deere?

Maybe instead of reading the alphabet backwards, you need to be able to know the words to John Denver’s “Thank God I’m a Country Boy” or the University of Iowa’s fight song.

My final thought on this situation is again when this gentleman woke up the next day, was he (start to groan here) John Deere green?

Bottom line: Don’t drink and drive.

Tribune Publisher Scott Schmeltzer’s column appears every Thursday. In no way does this column endorse or condone drinking and driving in any form. As a matter of fact, a situation like this again proves that you should never combine the two as tragic consequences can occur. Please do not use alcohol ever when driving any vehicle from a golf cart to an automobile to a combine.