I. You. Us. Them. It. Let’s play around with these words, and see how they can affect our relationships. It is generally accepted that objectifying other persons makes it easier to hate, blame or ignore them. So we use phrases like, “They are so mean” or “She is such a snob,” “Men are so dumb,” “Those people shouldn’t vote,” “They don’t know the rules,” etc. When we don’t name a person, we objectify him/her, just as an it is a thing, an object. When we meet face to face, we no longer are in an I-them situation, but an I-you situation. It suddenly becomes personal.

In common English usage, we have no other word for you. If we want a more intimate exchange in conversation we use names, or we say, “You, my dear,” “You, my love,” “You, my friend” etc. That makes you personal, and we have subtle rules about when to use the intimate you. Many languages have two or more forms of you. To be formal you might say usted in Spanish or vous in French. If you have a deeper relationship you might say tu in Spanish and French or du in German. The only non-objectifying you in English is the archaic thou. Thou is used in the King James version of the Bible, so there is still an aura of the sacred when say the word thou. I and Thou.

The Jewish theologian Martin Buber wrote a significant treatise on relationships, in his native German, the title of which is translated as “I and Thou.”

An I-thou relationship is a sharing between two persons in a very deeply personal way. As I understand it, if two people cannot enter into an I-thou relationship, then both persons become objects to be used and manipulated. When we use other persons, it may be to build up ourselves, to excuse our own faults, or create a scapegoat. The other person becomes an it.

In another context, consider the game of tag. You are it. This is a child’s game that is destructive: “You’re it!” goes the cry. The children scamper to escape, the weak or slow are targeted, the stronger and faster taunt the others, and some children are so afraid that they do not want to play the game, or hide so that they cannot be it.

We adults play the game too, at work and in our marriages. Glen Pickering, a clinical psychologist in the Twin Cities, in the book “Tag, You’re It” illustrates the game’s harmful features. Phrases like “You didn’t do your job,” or “I am sick of your excuses” are not conducive to good workplace relationships or marriage.

When we fail to see the sacred in personal relationships and when we objectify other communities, we fall into a mind set of friends and enemies (us versus them).

Fear, greed, defense of honor, and exercising power sow the seeds of hate. My hope is that we can experience thou in our relationships. I and Thou.

Dr. Thoburn Thompson is a member of Paths to Peace of Freeborn County.