Column: Thanks for Listening

The perfect gift for a man, you ask? Let me help you out a bit. We men fall into a couple of categories.

The first is the hunting and fishing category. In this category, you can pretty much trip into Cabala’s or Hart Brothers and buy us anything. We love guns, fishing rods, tackle boxes, ammo, boats, four-wheelers, more guns, camouflage shirts, orange hunting hats, hunting vests, pants with many pockets, fake ducks, guns and, oh yes, ice-fishing gear. This category of men is easy to buy for, and feel free to add a duck blind or a new hunting dog to the list.

The next category of men is the car/motorcycle enthusiast. Stop in to any car dealership and buy us a new Ford Shelby Mustang, and we will be just fine. We also will be happy with a Chevy Corvette or any other kind of muscle car out on the market. If you do not want to spend that much, many car parts stores carry parts for our fixer-upper projects or a nice model of what we would like to eventually drive. If motorcycles are your thing, then stop in at Bergdale’s Harley Davidson and buy a new Harley or at least some cool Harley stuff. They have shirts, boots, flasks, signs, and wallets with chains for you to please your motorcycle man. If you cannot afford a Harley, buy a cool helmet and jacket and just tell people you own one. The ultimate gift for car/motorcycle guy is a new garage or man cave that is well-equipped with tools and old-time rock music.

Category 3 is the techno guy. Techno guy wants the latest gadgets. TGs want iPads or the latest cool cell phone/camera/movie projector all wrapped into one. Kindles and the new Nooks are also very cool gadget for TGs who like books. A new 3D flatscreen TV will be just fine as long as they come with the cool glasses. TGs also like iTunes or a new computer as long as he can show it off and be ahead of the wave of technology that is current.

The fourth category is the Rico Suave guy. Rico likes the modern clothes, shoes, glitter — you name the GQ magazine article he just read and that is what he wants. Leather jackets, name-brand anything and Rico goes nuts. Another name for a man like Rico is metrosexual, and he will usually have hair gel and a rocking scarf. A little-known fact about Rico Suave guys is that they rarely get along with hunting and fishing guy, but will have a cocktail (Cosmo) or a glass of wine with techno guys.

The final category of men is laid-back dad guy. Laid-back dad guy just wants his family to be happy and any type of gift or even gift certificate is fine with him. Books, magazine subscriptions, a shirt or just a couple of small intimate gifts from the kids is a good gift with laid-back dad. The one real huge gift that laid-back dad wants is for his family to get along and for a day that does not include Mom yelling at the kids, the kids yelling at Mom, or both, which results in tension for laid-back dad. Laid-back dad also likes sports, so any kind of sporting-event tickets that can be shared with the family is also good. The key to laid-back dad gifts is for the kids to listen and follow Mom’s instructions. No arguing.

So that pretty much sums up guys and what each category they are in. Now some men are going to be a little bit of each category combined into one, but that’s OK. Good luck shopping.

Now the women

Holiday shopping for women is a bit different as they do not fall into categories like men. Women fall into what I call the rule of six. There are six gifts that they want and they can vary a bit, but it usually comes back to the rule of six.

Here are the six:

1.     Jewelery

2.     Clothes

3.     Vacation trips to somewhere warm.

4.     Vehicles

5.     Accessories

6.     Stuff she wants

The rule of six is not complicated, but there are rules. You, as a man, can never pick out Nos 1, 2 and 5. These three areas are better left for the women to pick out herself. You can get her a gift certificate for these or better yet, join her in shopping and just be a portable ATM.

Rest assured you will be loved, and the gift will be cherished for a long while. Nos. 3 and 4 are pretty easy as long as you do your homework. What beaches does she like, what color and make of care does she want. Just asking open-ended questions during the year can earn you great points for listening to her as well. No. 6 is tricky because stuff she wants changes from day to day and sometimes even minute to minute.

My best advice is to wait until the last minute and just listen closely for a day or two as she spurts out “I really need a new” — blender, special wine or liqueur, or candle of some scent or designation. This category also usually stems from the cooking or home channels and many times from a magazine she just read. Stuff she wants varies with moods, days of the week, and the moon. Good luck.

That wraps up my shopping guide for men and women. I hope you have learned from my many years of gift giving, and if all else fails, buy a gift certificate!

Tribune Publisher Scott Schmeltzer’s column appears every Thursday.