Tales From Exit 22 by Al Batt

The elections are coming.

It’s when my best friend becomes anyone running for elected office.

I knew it was an election year when the minister asked if anyone had anything to say about the deceased at a funeral. No one came forward until a man stood up and said, “If no one has any remarks, I’d like to take this opportunity to say a few words on behalf of my candidacy for state office.”

I tend not to be skeptical about elections. It’s not a path less trod, but I doubt the benefit of skepticism.

I hear utterances from those who might or might not vote that have a hint of incredulity. Here are some comments from a recent Hartland Poll. The margin of error is 98.3 percent.

“The difference between a church bell and a politician is the church bell peals from the steeple.”

“I’m a bad mechanic. I never try to fix things that don’t need fixing.”

“The average congressman’s idea of government waste is a dollar spent in another congressman’s district.”

“Mark Twain said, ‘Patriotism means supporting your country always and your government when it deserves it.’”

“They campaign to right wrongs. Once elected, they wrong rights.”

“He’s qualified to run for office. He’s either insane or a jerk or both.”

“What is he doing now? Nothing. He was elected.”

“They run for office and then run for cover.”

“Sometimes a candidate slips up and accidentally tells the truth.”

“Elections should be held on Christmas. Then, if we don’t like whom we elected, we could exchange him.”

“They not only take off the gloves, they put on the brass knuckles. My body has 45 miles of nerves and negative ads get on every one of them.”

“The names change, but the nonsense remains the same.”

“If God wanted us to vote, He’d have given us better candidates.”

“Elections are like heavy rains. The worms come to the top.”

“A true politician doesn’t answer the question he was asked. He answers the question he wanted to be asked.”

“It reminds me of a line in the song, ‘Send in the Clowns,’ ‘Don’t bother, they’re here.’”

“I was an undecided voter until someone called during dinner on behalf of one of the candidates. I’m no longer undecided.”

“I’m voting for the candidate who weighs the least because I believe in smaller government.”

“I think the members of Congress should wear uniforms like the ones NASCAR drivers wear. Then we could identify their corporate sponsors.”

“I’m the rightful heir to the presidency because I’m a descendant of John Adams who said, ‘In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a Congress.’”

“I voted for 8 years. Now I don’t vote. I believe in term limits.”

“You can either make the laws or obey them.”

“Only the government would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it to the bottom, and have a longer blanket.”

“When he threw his hat into the ring, his head went with it.”

“He’s pro whatever it takes to get people to vote for him.”

“It’s not his fault. We elected him.”

“He wants my vote, but he doesn’t want anyone to know that I support him.”

You can’t take the politics out of politics. Bethania McKenstry said, “I’ve noticed those with the most opinions often have the fewest facts.”

By the time the actual election rolls around, we are suffering from campaign fatigue.

There are those who advocate an election being decided by rock, paper, scissors. Emma Goldman said, “If voting changed anything, they’d make it illegal.” Still, the mark-it place for elections is the voting booth. A well-informed voter is one who shares your viewpoints.

Even with all the new and improved promises, it comes down to this, do you want more government in less of your life or less government in more of your life? Most voters are mainstream and not extreme.

The undecided are playing hard to get. Does whoever plants the most yard signs win the undecided vote? We’ll find out. I’ve never heard anyone say, “That candidate has covered the county with campaign signs. He’s the leader we need.”

I don’t understand every candidate. They don’t all speak doofus.

The best part of an election is when it’s over.

Before long, we’ll be hearing someone lamenting, “If I’d have known he was going to win, I wouldn’t have voted for him.”

 

Hartland resident Al Batt’s columns appear every Wednesday and Sunday.