Tales From Exit 22 by Al Batt

We’re going to need a bigger gravy boat. Maybe two.

We interrupt Christmas and Halloween to bring you Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is meant to remind us of the things we should be thankful for. I used to have to work most Thanksgivings. That made me thankful for fire extinguishers and pizza delivery.

William Arthur Ward wrote, “Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into blessings.”

He didn’t mention lefse or pie, but I’m sure he meant to.

In our haste to get to the grub, we hear truncated table blessings at Thanksgiving.

“Thanks. Amen.”

“That’s it?”

“He knows what I mean.”

We start ramping up our eating in October so that it reaches Thanksgiving levels in time for the turkey and the stuffing that makes a turkey’s thighs look fat.

Black Friday sales have changed Thanksgiving. They have made me even more thankful. I’m thankful I don’t work retail.

Last year, Black Friday was a big day at the local Captain Store. It used to be a General Store, but was demoted for not honoring competitors’ coupons. We are thankful for what we have and then go shopping for what we don’t have. The store opened at 4 a.m. with low prices on digital devices. A long line formed in the darkness in front of the store. A man pushed his way to the head of the line, only to be shoved back, amid loud cursing. On the man’s second attempt to cut ahead in line, he was punched and tossed to the back of the line. You don’t butt ahead in line on Black Friday.

The man picked himself up from the ground and said, “That does it! If you won’t let me near the door, I won’t open the store!”

A neighbor had a piece of pumpkin pie the day before Thanksgiving. He was thankful early. He enjoys Thanksgiving. He complains that the gravy is lumpy, the turkey is too dry, and the pumpkin pie is tasteless. He loves to complain. He is thankful when he has something to complain about. He demonstrates his thankfulness by falling asleep in front of a televised football game.

Oprah Winfrey said, “Be thankful for what you have and you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never ever have enough.”

I’m thankful that turkeys stick their necks out for us, even though they do nothing to sustain my pathetic beef jerky addiction. I like dried steak served at room temperature.

Mother kept cooking the turkey until someone asked, “When do we eat?” She was a terrific cook who believed in the creative use of butter. The stuffing was always delicious because someone had given Mom sage advice early in her life. I remember the year that the food dishes were passed both directions and there was a huge traffic jam in front of my brother Donald. The police had to be called. Each year, as we all drowsily digested copious amounts of food, Mother said, “I forgot to put the yams on the table.” There was no room available. I’d eaten so much that I couldn’t move unless it was toward pie. Had I been a cow, I’d have saved a stomach for the yams. I know, a cow technically has only one stomach with four distinct chambers. I’d have saved a chamber for yams. Was my family too full to eat yams? We were too full to eat sweet potatoes.

The candied yams we didn’t eat weren’t yams. They are two different species of root vegetable and aren’t related. Sweet potatoes are labeled with both terms, adding to the confusion. Store labeling marks a soft sweet potato with copper skin and deep orange flesh as a yam. A firm sweet potato with golden skin and lighter flesh is labeled as a sweet potato. Neither one are yams, which are native to Africa and Asia.

Good gravy! Thanksgiving is a buffet of food and words. I hope your blessings are many and grand. Wrap them with thankfulness so they won’t be forgotten.

Thanksgiving is not considered a time of gift giving, but give a generous gift this year. Give the gift of listening. You won’t always hear those voices that you think will be everlasting. Listen to them while you can.

If you listen, it will give you something to think about while you are eating a cold turkey sandwich washed down with Halloween candy as you stand in line at a Black Friday sale.

 

Hartland resident Al Batt’s columns appear every Wednesday and Sunday.