Tales From Exit 22 by Al Batt

My doorbell rang.

I opened the door and a robed visitor accompanied by sitar music walked in. The renowned mystic from the Far East (the easternmost part of the township), the fabled soothsayer, the seventh son of the seventh son of the seventh son, the oracle from just down the road; Swami Davis Jr. stopped by to give me his predictions for 2015. He knows little, but suspects a lot. He excels at predicting everything but the future.

The Swami has been indwelled by a spirit of divination, a muse of unearthly clairvoyance. The Swami sees all, knows all and reveals all to those who proffer tribute. A savant of such gifts that within his psyche lie the limits of human understanding.

As a fearless, feckless and foolish seer, he is without peer. Even though unreasonable zoning laws discouraging the ancient Roman practice of haruspicy (divining the future by examining the entrails of recently slaughtered beasts) hamper him, you could take his predictions to the bank.

Many have called him a bum seer and a purveyor of impaired prognostications, but at least one person (his mother) has called him “uncannily accurate.”

Swami Davis Jr. is a reader of palms and tea leaves — he takes an orange pekoe at the future. Reading tea leaves is difficult. There is no plot or character development. His crystal ball (purchased at a rummage sale at Bowling Elaine’s) is back from the shop after having its foreteller replaced.

“Swami Davis Jr., who illuminates the dark corners of our culture, whose knowledge is beyond compare. By contrast, Nostradamus was nothing more than a flawed speculator. Oh, wise Swami, thou vessel of infinite wisdom, who is omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent, tell me, your humble implorer, what the future holds,” I entreat, knowing that most of my future lies ahead. I’m atwitter with anticipation.

Swami Davis Jr. is a cowboy who rounds up predictions. He sees into the future by turning his car’s rearview mirror around. Here are his bold predictions for 2015.

Large stores will offer discounts to customers who wait in line.

A new law will require that all restaurants must be located at least an hour’s drive from a swimming pool or beach.

No one who isn’t wearing clean underwear will be allowed to cross a street.

All plastic clamshell packaging will come with bandages.

There must be “Caution: steps ending” signs at the bottom of all staircases.

To save money, the state prison system will adopt a catch-and-release policy.

In a study of 700 athletes who said they gave 110 percent, it was found that they actually gave an average of only 63.2 percent.

Virgil Vikings will break the NFL record set by Jim Brown of the Cleveland Browns for rushing by a player with the same name as his team.

Before a judge can make a decision, he must walk a mile in the defendant’s shoes.

You’ll feel bad seeing couples fight in public. You’ll feel even worse about placing bets on them.

Minnesota will enact a maximum wage law.

The Minnesota Twins will decree that any celebrity throwing out the first pitch has to pitch the first inning.

Professional bowling will adopt dodgeball rules.

NASCAR will attempt to identify more with its fans by forcing drivers to drive a Ford Pinto with no rear bumper.

In Florida, residents over age 80 will need to renew their driver’s licenses every 10 years or 2,000 miles, whichever comes first.

New cars will be equipped with a sensor that will check the check engine light.

It will be determined that the Hokey Pokey is still what it’s all about.

Sarah Palin will secede from the union and start her own country.

Every time a new law is enacted, an old one must be recalled.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. will win the Kentucky Derby.

The state will sell the governor’s mansion and rent a governor’s condo.

Morning rush-hour commuters in the Twin Cities will be charged for parking on Interstate 494.

An Olympic track star will be suspended for running with scissors.

All new cars will be fitted with computer chips that detect speeding and automatically deduct the fine from a driver’s bank account.

Minnesota will trade two of its northern counties for the state of Florida so that snowbirds won’t have to leave the state for the winter.

In an uncertain world, the Swami brings more uncertainty to light. There is no app for that.

What went around will come around. Tomorrow will be another day — probably last Tuesday.

The good times will continue to roll.

 

Hartland resident Al Batt’s columns appear every Wednesday and Sunday.