Things I Tell My Wife by Matt Knutson

“I can’t believe you won’t let me hug you,” I told Sera as she backed further away. No, we weren’t fighting. In fact, Sera very much wanted me to hug her.

My wife has just been avoiding my embrace for the past week out of fear of being shocked by static electricity. It’s a burden many husbands must bear this time of year.

The familiar greeting of a hug after a long day of work was blown away with any trace of green grass or warm temperatures in the recent weeks. Admittedly, Sera feels guilty about her apprehension each time I reach toward her. Just extending my hand in her direction can elicit raised eyebrows and a scrunched face as she prepares for the potential shock.

According to my wife, she hates winter because of the static electricity. She later recanted and said the cold weather is her first reason to dislike the season but getting shocked unexpectedly isn’t far behind. Most people have come to accept the sporadic shockings as part of life, but apparently they hurt my wife on deeper level than others find worthy to speak about.

The build-up is often strong enough to for the static electricity to shock her several times, resulting in a fascinating display of her tentatively touching my shoulder over and over again until the static has demonstrated it has left.

I’m not sure why I’m particularly shocking this year, but I know I’m not the only one. Beesly, our dog, is regularly shouted at as she shocks Sera unexpectedly. Just today we saw the fur on Beesly’s tail spread out in all different directions after she had rolled around on the floor. She then repeatedly placed her paw on my wife, as if our dog knew how to purposefully shock people. Sera was not amused.

Science tells us that more static electricity is created because of a lack of moisture in the air during winter. I suppose there are a few different ways to combat this. At the beginning of the winter season, Sera suggested we buy a humidifier. Knowing what I know now, I’d agree that it’d be a smart purchase to beat the villain keeping me from my wife.

Prior to my research for this column, I decided a makeshift humidifier of my creation would suffice. By makeshift, I mean I put a fan in front of a large bowl full of water and hoped for the best. It might actually be working, but I wouldn’t bet my life on it.

A quick Google search pointed me in other directions to avoid the dreaded shock which my wife, and I may soon be implementing so she will no longer live in terror. These suggestions include using lotion more often, avoiding rubber-soled shoes, ditching wool sweaters, and doing laundry with dryer sheets.

I’ll be honest. Up to this point, I’ve always thought dryer sheets were a scam. If my mom ever used them growing up, I never saw them. When I reached college, I’d find them strewn about the laundry room floor and assumed only people with a fondness of littering found value in them.

If these magic sheets mean either of us will take the clothes out of the dryer and fold the laundry, our wardrobe will once again be operating at full capacity. Knowing what I know now, I beginning to think dryer sheets could be just what my marriage needs.

Thankfully, the surprising jolt of electricity has proven to be defeated temporarily as Sera insists on me being nearby during this brutally cold week. Apparently the brutal cold weather means it’s worth being shocked by me if I’m helping her stay warm.

I won’t be surprised if when the temperatures rise above zero, I’ll once again be kept an arm’s distance away to ensure static sparks don’t fly. Between then and now, it looks like we have some shopping to do.

 

Rochester resident Matt Knutson is the communications and events director for United Way of Olmsted County.