The Nice Advice, by Leah Albert

Dear Leah,

I have crippling anxiety so it’s hard for me to meet new people or have close friendships. I always seem to back out of get-togethers. People think I’m a flake. The hard part is I could really use some good friends. I’m lonely but I don’t know what to do to get over it.

— Losing Out

 

Dear Losing Out,

People tend to say anxiety or depression is something you can just “get over.” But, in reality, the situation is far more complicated than most people will ever understand. It’s wonderful that you are self-aware and can understand why you feel the way you do and what situations cause you duress.

I think you first need to re-evaluate if people really see you as a flake. We tend to be harder on ourselves than others. Oftentimes our perceptions are wrong — especially if you are a sensitive person.

You may be sensing emotions from others that are not directed to you.

You sound like you’re conscientious of others’ feelings. I’m sure they know there is more to you and would like to get to know you, which is why they’re inviting you out! This is a great start! I’m guessing they want to be friends with you — the only challenge you have is to find a way to manage your feelings so you can spend time with them.

People who struggle with anxiety tend to be hyper-sensitive to the world around them and the emotions of others. Some people may also have negative or critical messages playing over and over in their minds, which does not help the situation. Anxiety can truly be socially crippling and there are so many obstacles to overcome that it can seem overwhelming.

However, I do believe there is hope for you!

In some cases, proper medication will help as well as regular visits with a psychologist. I highly encourage you to find some activity that calms you.

Meditation is growing in popularity in our country and is a great way to develop coping mechanisms.

Once you have practiced for a while, you will be able to use the tools you’ve developed in the situations that cause you anxiety.

For example, one tool of meditation is breath control — by simply focusing on inhaling to a count of three and exhaling to a count of five, you can find a way to relax, no matter how stressed you may be. This technique is great because you don’t require anything but your very own body.

You could suggest get-togethers to places that are already comfortable for you, so you can focus on interacting with your friends. This may help alleviate your anxiety to start with.

Give yourself time — it’s not going to happen overnight. And there will still likely be occasions that you just can’t participate in because they make you too anxious. Anxiety is part of your story, but it isn’t who you are.

Once you are able to find coping methods that work for you, things will get better. It’s so important to surround yourself with people who understand and care for you. All the best to you!

 

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.