Tales From Exit 22 by Al Batt

I needed to scratch a breakfast cereal itch.

I slid down the grocery store’s cereal aisle like Kramer in slippery shoes during a “Seinfeld” episode.

Eating cereal might be the secret to a good life.

“Buckle up!” I told myself as I perused the long lines of cereal boxes. How much riboflavin do I need? Should I go with more fiber or less sugar? The only thing we have to fear is fear itself and not getting enough fiber.

I saw a box of Grape Nuts, something that adults ate when I was a boy. I called it gravel. That was unkind.

I studied the boxes as if I were a crime scene investigator. I spent a lot of time staring at cereal boxes before deciding to get raisin bran, which is pretty much what I always choose. Some years, I surprise myself on my birthday by buying Honey Nut Cheerios.

Once upon a time, those cereal boxes were a veritable blur to me except for what nifty item was included in the package. Inside nearly every box of cereal was a toy, game, 3D glasses (made from paper and cellophane), fake tattoos or some other kind of a gadget that brought joy to kids. I was rewarded for eating cereal. The choice of cereal demanded time and thought. A kid could be judged by other kids on his choice of cereal. Once home, I immediately fished the swag out of the box.

I’d slap on a tattoo and stare at it through my 3D glasses as a plastic frogman offered in one box dived and resurfaced when provided with a little baking soda in a water-filled jar.

I’ve seen odd cereals come and go. Corn Flakes with Instant Bananas, Green Slime, Grins & Smiles & Giggles & Laughs, Crunchy Loggs, Puffa Puffa Rice, Pink Panther Flakes, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Cereal, Crispy Critters, Corn Crackos, Sugar Jets, Sugar Corn-Fetti, Mr. T Cereal, E.T. Cereal, Smurf Magic Berries, Corn Soya, Heart of Oats, GI Joe Action Stars offered a real American hero in a cereal bowl, S’mores Crunch didn’t need to be roasted over a fire, C3PO’s, Nerds, Ice Cream Cones and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (the bits of cereal didn’t look like turtles, but may have resembled ninjas). If there is or was a bacon-flavored cereal, I missed it.

Various companies released 45 records on the backs of cereal boxes. With nothing more than a box of Alpha Bits and a pair of scissors, kids could have a song from The Monkees or The Archies to play on a record player. Vinyl made a comeback. Maybe cardboard will, too?

Post delivered hits such as “Last Train To Clarksville” and “I’m A Believer” by The Monkees on the backs of Frosted Rice Krinkles, Alpha Bits and Honey-Comb. “Sugar Sugar” by The Archies was on Super Sugar Crisp and Alpha Bits.

It isn’t clear when the first prize was inserted into a cereal box, but by the 1950s, prizes were common. Kellogg’s began placing pin-back buttons into Pep cereal boxes in 1943. The first set of pins consisted of 36 small buttons featuring World War II U.S. military squadron insignias.

Post distributed baseball cards directly in their cereal boxes. Their first release in 1960 was of six cards (Don Drysdale, Al Kaline, Harmon Killebrew, Ed Mathews, Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris). That proved so successful that the company expanded its 1961 offering to 200 cards. This presented the perfect opportunity for me to use Mom’s good scissors to cut out a new series of baseball cards from the backs of Post cereal boxes. I didn’t ask to use the good scissors for such a purpose. That request would have been denied, but it was easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission.

I enjoyed the mini-box variety packs. A selection of assorted cereals that each came in a small box designed to be its own bowl. I’d tear along the perforated lines and pour milk into a little plastic-lined cardboard box.

I could open packages without the use of a chainsaw in those days.

I eat my raisin bran with milk and honey.

The Bible tells of God speaking to Moses at the burning bush. He informed Moses that He would rescue the Israelites and bring them to “a land flowing with milk and honey.” I think honey might have been a reference to fruit nectar (date honey) and not bees’ honey.

But milk and honey would make a swell, but messy prize in each box of cereal.

Al Batt’s columns run every Wednesday and Sunday.