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Every Little Thing by April Jeppson

 

I’ve been anxious all week. In fact, knowing that this was just around the corner has put me a little on edge for a while. COVID tossed it back a few months, but it was inevitable. I needed to pull out reports and deposits — items I did nine months ago. Today was the day the auditor came.

I’m not an anxious person. It takes a lot to make me nervous. I consider myself a pretty laid back individual. In fact I’ve told people that I’m kind of naturally high — just chill. I enjoy being happy and carefree, so I tend to avoid things that make me feel otherwise. However, as an adult there are just some things I can’t avoid.

I’ve rearranged my life quite a bit to keep my sanity. I’ve grocery shopped at 6 a.m. and 9 p.m. just so I wouldn’t have to tote my children along. I’ve taken different routes in grocery stores so I wouldn’t have to have awkward conversations with people I barely know. I’ve come in to work early or snuck into church late. I don’t mind conflict, in fact I’m fine dealing with a problem head on. However, if there are things out of my control (toddler mood swings) I do my best to just avoid the situation all together.

I work for a nonprofit, and we are required to be audited every year. I have not been here for a full year yet, and so this is my first go around with the auditors. I wish you could hear me say the word “auditor.” It’s like something from a scary movie. As a happy-go-lucky person who enjoys butterflies and glitter, just the thought of being audited sends shivers down my spine.

Have you ever been driving down the road and you notice a cop car is behind you? I have. I can be driving the exact speed limit and I know for a fact that I’m doing nothing wrong, and yet I still get nervous. What if my speedometer is off? What if I have a broken tail light I know nothing about? My mind spins and my knuckles get white until eventually they pass me and move on to something more exciting.

Even though this is a routine audit that my company goes through every year, I still got that same level of nervousness. I’m not embezzling money or purposely doing anything wrong, but there was this whisper in the back of my mind.

“What if I was doing something wrong and just didn’t realize it?” “What if they were going to be drilling me with all these questions that I didn’t have answers for?”

I grew up with the expression “Don’t borrow trouble.” Basically, it means don’t worry about something before it’s time to worry about it. I’m usually pretty good about it, but not this time. I came into work early today and was fidgety. I started about three different tasks and simply couldn’t focus. I felt like a kid waiting to take a test.

When the lady showed up she seemed nice. Nothing like the scary movie auditor I had created in my mind. Her eyes glimmered as she smiled. Even with a mask on I could tell that she was a kind individual. Instantly my worry started to fade.

She took the paperwork she needed from me and then went into another room to work. Even though I knew she was nice, it didn’t take the fear completely away. I was still nervous. I knew at any moment she could start asking me questions that I was not prepared to answer. It’s funny how our brains can play tricks on us.

A few hours later she emerged from the room and asked my co-worker a few questions. Then she looked at me and said that everything looked good. I asked if she had any questions for me and she said, “Nope, everything looked good.” I think I squealed and clapped at the same time. I for sure did a little dance after she left the building.

This is more of a reminder for myself. Things are crazy and weird sometimes, but take a breath, get ’er done and don’t borrow trouble.

Albert Lean April Jeppson is a wife, mom, coach and encourager of dreams.