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Guest column by Joel Erickson

Grief has a life of its own. It comes and goes like the wind. Some people believe that grief can be turned off and on like a water faucet. They say “OK, so your spouse passed away three months ago, isn’t it time to move on?”

The reality is that when it seems that you have shed grief, it somehow manages to find you again. It’s like a stray dog who for some reason has adopted you. Expecting something from you, the dog waits by the front door.

Often grief is hidden in plain sight. A person’s countenance shows no signs of grief. Everything looks normal but inside an ache persists, sometimes less, sometimes more.

“Everybody has a different personality,” Willa Olivier, a grief counselor observes, “and we all will grieve differently. Some of us want to express and need to express our grief. … It’s a painful thing happening. Some need more expression than others; some need more alone time and silence.

Some of us feel angry for a long time, or sad or some even are numb.”

Grieving is different for every person. There is no one way to go about the grieving process. In walking through the dense forest of grief, you might think there is a clear path or trail to follow. But there isn’t.

Many grief therapists refer to Elisabeth Kubler Ross’s five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Ross observed these elements of grief in people who were diagnosed with a terminal illness. Today, these elements of grief are observed in people who have lost a loved one. Presently, most counselors recognize that there is no particular order that people follow in their grieving. No pattern of grieving is obvious. Everyone is unique, there is no path in the forest to follow, you create your own. Additional elements are added to the five stages such as survivor’s guilt or the process of a survivor reinventing a life living single.

A general consensus exists, applying a baseball analogy, that in my grieving there is no logical progression from first, to second, to third base.

Grief is truly more like the wind; there is no controlling the coming or going of grief. Grieving is more like sailing. Like meeting the wind in a sailboat, you meet grief in many forms and you learn to flow with it and not try to fight it.

Many resources exist to help those grieving to process their thoughts and feelings in a setting of mutual support. One such resource around for 25 years is GriefShare, a 13-week series of sessions to help people work through the pain of grief. In each session a 30-minute video is played followed by discussion. Presently, GriefShare is offered at Faith Church in Austin. Also, participants receive a workbook that includes daily times for reflection and exploration. In Edina, a consortium of churches have offered grief support for nearly 40 years. The hour and a half session opens with a half hour presentation followed by small group discussion.

“I wanted to be alone; I thought the rest of my life would be like that,” recalls Krissie, whose husband committed suicide. “I almost found comfort in being alone. But as time went by and I was alone and kept myself in a dark room, I did start to feel isolated. It’s hard to figure out how life still happens without your loved one.” Krissie benefitted from GriefShare and has grown stronger.

Important to remember is that grieving doesn’t prevent a person from making choices. One can choose gratitude, a listing of things for which to be thankful. One can choose to love others, to serve others.

Krissie is learning to value that “time of sitting in silence.” She notes “I use that time for positive things, not just to go over everything I didn’t have, but to remember and be thankful for the things I did have.”

Choices aren’t necessarily antidotes to grief. Choices provide a balance to the occurrences of grief in our lives. Choices of gratitude, serving others or trying something new can balance the effects of grief. Grief is inevitable but it need not be the final word on any given day. Grief has a life of its own, but we have a choice each day to live in spite of this grief. Grief and the choices we make can coexist.

Joel Erickson is an Albert Lea resident.