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Across the Pastor’s Desk by Nancy Overgaard

One of the saddest columns in the local paper, for me, is the one on marriage dissolutions. In a world where so many people have decided to bypass marriage and not even try it, these couples tried, but struggled. By contrast, one of the most encouraging sections of the paper, for me, is the one on couples applying for marriage licenses. Still, I feel concerned for them. How long before they face challenges in their marriage? Who will be there to encourage and pray for them? In a world where divorce rates remain stubbornly high, will their marriages endure?

While serving as a single, solo pastor in upstate New York, I tried hard to find resources that would be helpful, not only for couples in the church, but for unchurched couples and individuals who appeared, unannounced, at the church door seeking help for struggling marriages. As a single person, I always felt I fell short of what they needed, despite all of my seminary training. One intriguing resource I found was a program designed to train older couples to serve as mentors for engaged and newlywed couples. The program itself would not be essential, just Christian couples with solid marriages willing to serve as mentors for younger couples wanting mentors. I was pleasantly surprised to learn one of my nephews, on his own initiative, sought out a mentor — a family friend, a generation older than him, who had a solid marriage and a successful family. He wanted to learn everything he could from him about how to build a strong marriage and family.

What a great idea. While serving as a chaplain in a senior living community, I was often amazed by couples in their 80s and 90s, married for decades, who still genuinely loved each other.

Somehow, they had managed to work through a lifetime of irritations, challenges and conflicts and still maintain a deep, abiding love for one another. Who could be a better mentor?

Other resources abound. Once, when visiting a local church, I was blessed to be there on a day when couples, who had been struggling in their marriages got up and shared how greatly they had been helped by a pastor-led small group on marriage. In that safe and confidential setting, they learned biblical principles for resolving conflicts and strengthening their marriages. They had the opportunity to talk about their struggles, listen to others and learn they were not alone. They received prayer and support, not only from the pastor, but from other group members.

Many testified that the class saved their marriage from divorce. How greatly more classes like that are needed!

While working as a chaplain at an addiction treatment center, I was surprised by the many young men and women who expressed a deep longing for lasting, lifelong marriages, but who despaired of ever getting there. I was also struck by the many single moms and dads who deeply desired to be good parents, but really were not sure how, having lacked good role models or mentors.

So, I want to encourage churches and pastors, as you plan classes for the coming year, to consider including core classes on marriage and parenting and inviting in the community. You might be surprised at who is waiting outside the door for the right invitation to come in. Consider also training up or empowering church members to be marriage and family mentors, to be ready when the need presents itself. For those struggling in marriage, think about looking for a mentor, a marriage and family class or retreat, a pastoral counselor. Better yet, go straight to the greatest Counselor of all, and ask for his help. In Psalm 30:10 the psalmist cried out, “Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me; O Lord, be my help.” Soon, the psalmist could testify, “You turned my wailing into dancing… and clothed me with joy… O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.” — Psalm 30:11-12

May that be your testimony, too, whatever your trials!

Nancy Overgaard is a member of the Freeborn County Ministerial Association.