By Tom Purcell, Mr. No Name

With Valentine&8217;s Day upon us, female readers have been pummeling me with questions on how to woo the modern male.

Dear Tom, My boyfriend&8217;s hair treatment, skin conditioner, perfume bottles and other toiletries take up so much room in my bathroom I have no place to put my stuff, and he doesn&8217;t even live here. What should I do?

&8212; No Space

Dear No Space, You&8217;re going to have to get a new apartment with &8220;her-her&8221; bathrooms. Be sure there&8217;s plenty of light, so your fellow can see what he&8217;s doing. You wouldn&8217;t want his &8220;guyliner&8221; to get all runny.

Dear Tom, It&8217;s not as though I expect my boyfriend to open the door for me, and he never does, but whatever happened to chivalry?

&8212; Disappointed

Dear Disappointed, Chivalry is a concept that dates back to medieval times, when men lived by codes of honor, virtue and sacrifice. Chivalry demanded that men be gracious, gentle and respectful toward women. Chivalry is all about selflessness and romantic love, whereas your boyfriend is all about selfishness and self-love.

Dear Tom, I&8217;m not a prude, nor do I think we should return to the rigid ways of the past, but sometimes I think it would be nice to court and date the way men and women did in the old movies. What do you think?

&8212; Dreamer

Dear Dreamer, Unfortunately, that&8217;s not possible. For 30 years or more, we&8217;ve pretended such differences don&8217;t exist. And it is only when the two truly opposite forces called man and woman collide that sparks will fly and romance will occur.

Dear Tom, I met a new fellow who proudly defines himself as a sensitive new-age male. What exactly is that?

&8212; Wondering

Dear Wondering, This is the kind of fellow who is so in touch with his emotions and needs he doesn&8217;t notice anybody else&8217;s &8212; especially yours. If he drinks a beer for instance, it will be an exotic brand from some remote part of the planet. He won&8217;t drink from of a mug, either, but a wine glass. At baby showers &8212; yes, men are invited to those now &8212; he&8217;ll get misty.

Dear Tom, Call me a nut, but I saw a John Wayne movie the other day and I would love to meet a man as stoic, confident, modest and manly as he was. Where can I find such a fellow?

&8212; Digging the Duke

Dear Digging the Duke, The good news is, there are still plenty of such men around. The bad news is, they&8217;re old. The older generations produced an abundance of simple men who spent their time building a country and providing for their families, not picking out shirts and hair goop at the mall.

Dear Tom, I read on the HistoryChannel.com that one of the theories about St. Valentine is that he was a priest who was killed for defying a Roman emperor. Do you know that story?

&8212; Curious

Dear Curious, Yes, Emperor Claudius II felt that single men made better soldiers than married men, so he outlawed marriage. St. Valentine put the love of young couples ahead of his own life and married them anyway. He was imprisoned and then killed. Such selflessness and sacrifice is what Valentine&8217;s Day is really about.

Dear Tom, With Valentine&8217;s Day just around the corner, I&8217;m very sad. My boyfriend never cleans our place, never cooks, never does the laundry. He never takes me out and never buys me flowers. He quit his job and I pay all the bills. Do you think he&8217;ll propose to me this Valentine&8217;s Day?

&8212; Waiting

Dear Waiting, Surely you know the answer to your question. By the way, do you have any sisters?

Dear Tom, I&8217;m dying for romance of any kind. Since we women can&8217;t count on men to be genuinely romantic anymore, can&8217;t we step it up? What&8217;s wrong with us holding the door open for a man on a date? Why can&8217;t we pick up the tab?

&8212; Progressive

Dear Progressive, Sounds good to me! Why don&8217;t you pick me up around 8 p.m.?

Tom Purcell is a humor columnist nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons. For comments to Tom, please e-mail him at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.