Al Batt, Tales from Exit 22

May is Volcano Awareness Month.

I didn&8217;t know that volcanoes had any difficulty getting our attention.

May was likely named for the Roman goddess of growth, Maia. Old Scottish tales tell of cold and wet spells brought by the month of May. These spells of nasty weather, were called the gab o&8217; May and provided topics for the idle talk and gab in the pub.

The Druids would light large fires on May 1, symbolizing the return of light and warmth after a cold, dark winter. They drove their cattle through the smoke believing it would purify them.

Here is a look back at May 2007.

1. Save the Rhino Day. I saved one. It&8217;s living in our basement. It trampled our beaver system.

2. The rhino was missing. It panicked when my wife used the vacuum cleaner.

3. Lumpy Rug Day. I found the rhino.

4. National Candied Orange Peel Day.

5. World Naked Gardening Day makes gardening near nettles, brambles and poison ivy very interesting.

6. A man who faked his own kidnapping in Tampa, Fla., asked for a ransom of $350. You have to love a man who thinks small.

7. International Tuba Day. I played a tuba toothpaste.

8. No Socks Day.

9. Lost Sock Memorial Day. I should have worn them the day before.

10. Sales at Wal-Mart fell 3.5 percent in April while sales at Neiman Marcus rose 3 percent. Didn&8217;t surprise me. The people who shop at Neiman Marcus have more money than the people who shop at Wal-Mart.

11. An Indiana University research study found that Fox News personality Bill O&8217;Reilly calls a person or group a derogatory name once every 6.8 seconds–nearly nine times every minute. He comes from the old school that believes if you can&8217;t say something bad about someone, don&8217;t say anything at all.

12. Research showed that hamsters on Viagra have less jet lag. Who is feeding Viagra to the hamsters and why are hamsters on Viagra doing all of this flying?

13. Most food should not be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

14. National Dance Like a Chicken Day.

15. According to the EPA, running a lawnmower for an hour creates as much pollution as 50 cars driving 20 miles each. I&8217;m selling the lawnmower and driving over my lawn with the Pontiac.

16. A study found that endless multitasking wears down the human brain, causing one to become repetitive, forgetful, absent-minded, repetitive, forgetful, absent-minded, repetitive, forgetful, and absent-minded.

17. Roger Clemens decided to come out of retirement. Fortunately, he was able to secure a summer job with the New York Yankees that pays $650,000 an hour.

18. Jimmy Carter blasted the White House, bringing new meaning to the old expression of not beating around the Bush. Carter said Bush could be the worst President since himself.

19. I wondered what it would be like if dinosaurs still ruled the Earth. I concluded that there would be vicious creatures committing mindless acts of violence across every continent.

Hey, wait!

20. A man, talking on his cell phone, walked past a tranquil lake. Geese pecked his hand until he dropped the phone. One of the geese made off with the cell phone. We owe the geese one.

21. Miami drivers have the most road rage according to a survey based upon the number of incidents seen by other drivers. Minnesota drivers finished well down the list because everyone here is too busy putting on makeup, talking on a cell phone, changing clothes, eating pizza, reading or listening to an iPod to be able to see what’s going on in another car.

22. The Navy is researching electromagnetic beams that will penetrate walls and cause people to become sick and vomit. They are going to call it Reality TV.

23. Gas prices set new records.

24. National Escargot Day. I&8217;d rather eat snails.

25. Gas prices set new records.

26. Gas prices set new records. I filled my car with gas and doubled the value of the vehicle.

27. My neighbor, Still Bill, believes that global warming is an act of Gore.

28. I spoke at Memorial Day services. It was a great honor, but oh, so humbling. I am so thankful for so many.

29. Charles Nelson Reilly, of Hollywood Squares fame, went off to a heavenly Center Square.

30. My Bucket&8217;s Got A Hole In It Day.

31. Greenpeace is building a replica of Noah’s Ark to call attention to

climate change. I hope they won&8217;t make the same mistake Noah made and put a pair of mosquitoes and chiggers on board.

Hartland resident Al Batt&8217;s columns appear every Wednesday and Sunday.