Column: Will Durst, Raging Moderate

The Republican strategy for 2012 seems simple enough. It’s a numbers game. They plan to flood the market. Set up an all-you can-eat candidate buffet. If you don’t like the potential nominee in front of you, try the next steam table. An appetizing aspirant is bound to bubble up. Or not. But at least you’re moving around and getting some exercise.

The latest and greatest Great White GOP Hope to throw his hat into the ring is Rick Perry, and it’s no ordinary hat either; we’re talking ten gallon here, folks. It appears we got ourselves another governor from Texas looking to be president. Yep, that’s just what this country needs. And species-jumping hookworms. More of those too.

To Texas Democrats, he’s “Captain Haircut,” and to watch the hig- ranked coiffure campaign is déjà vu all over again. He’s George Bush Lite. And yes, the redundant heights of that phrase are indeed vertigo inducing. Similar to saying… uncomfortable bus seat. Or … disingenuous oil-industry spokesperson. Perry is the candidate for those of you who couldn’t cozy up to Dubyah due to his intellectual elitism.

Governor Rick himself highlighted this distinction, crowing to supporters that he went to Texas A&M while Bush went to Yale. Ain’t that just like a Texan? Bragging about attending a less prestigious school. See, he’d be better for the nation because he’s not so smart. And already leading the polls. The Pied Piper of lowered expectations.

Perry claims he only entered the fray because God told him to. Of course, Michele Bachmann says God called on HER to run for President. So, either someone is fibbing, God is off his meds again, or we’re talking about two entirely different deities. Begging the question: which god hates America that much? Kali? Pele? The Mighty Thor? Eric Clapton?

The longest-serving governor in Texas history possesses a mouth big enough to match his hat, having accused Fed Head Ben Bernanke of treason and calling Social Security a Ponzi scheme. Not to worry: staffers are proving their mettle with some nifty, major-league hemming and hawing and harrumphing and walking back that statement faster than a toddler can spit milk through his nose.

Demonstrating his Lone Star kick-buttedness, Perry vetoed a bill banning the execution of mentally retarded inmates, so he doesn’t just embrace the death penalty, he nuzzles it. 234 on his watch. Probably can’t go to sleep until sneaking a peek at his dog-eared lethal injection technical manual stuck between the mattress and box spring. One of those humane proponents of electric bleachers.

James Richard Perry also gained a bit of notoriety last year when he shot a coyote while jogging. Hate to play tennis with this guy. If he carries a .380 Ruger with hollow points while jogging, you’d always give him the net, worried his racket had a built-in bayonet. And what does he pack on hunting trips, a Howitzer?

Be interesting to see if Perry can sell himself nationally while still maintaining Texas has a deal with the federal government allowing the state to secede at anytime. Should investigate whether that option is mutual. In the meantime, they’re sliding another dish under the sneeze guard. It’s smooth and chunky and piping hot. Hey! Is that Chris Christie?

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to find out more about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”