I have the best readers in the world.

They, as might be expected, ask the best questions in the world.

My Magic 8-Ball, that provided generations of my family with answers to all of our financial questions, sprung a leak.

I filled it with coffee, but now it refuses to give me any answers outside of a coffee shop.

So, the answers that follow are those formed solely in what passes as my brain, without any help from the Magic 8-Ball.

Here goes.

&8220;I’m filling out a form where it asks who should be notified in case I’m in an accident.

Who should I put down?&8221;

Anyone within sight.

&8220;Is it true that a half-moon is heavier than a full moon?&8221;

Yes, a full moon is lighter.

&8220;Why do you live in Minnesota?&8221;

Because that’s where my stuff is.

&8220;Isn’t it true that green means go, red means stop and yellow means caution?&8221;

No, yellow means speed up.

&8220;How do I know if I’m eating too much chocolate?&8221;

If when you sneeze, you say &8220;Hershey!&8221;

&8220;What do people in your family who have a lot of money do?&8221;

They live in TWO-story mobile homes.

&8220;Do you own a boat?&8221;

I used to.

My wife said that I could have a boat if she could name it.

She named it &8220;For Sale.&8221;

&8220;I know you are not a complete idiot.

I’m sure some parts are missing.&8221;

How old are you in human years?

&8220;What is the Hartland First Aid Plan?&8221;

You can make anything feel better by rubbing it.

&8220;How can I figure what my cost of living is?&8221;

Take your income and add 25 percent.

&8220;I’ve heard that Minnesota has more than just four seasons.

How many does it have?&8221;

It has 12.

Early summer, real summer, unusual summer, early autumn, Indian summer, real autumn, early winter, real winter, record winter, early spring, spring fever and weeds.

This gives everyone something to complain about.

&8220;What do I need to go camping?&8221;

You only need one thing &045; a credit card with a very high limit.

&8220;Is it really safer to sit in the rear of an airplane?&8221;

Yes, that’s because the mountains are up front.

&8220;My peonies are beautiful, but tiny.

What’s the problem?&8221;

They’re likely Shetland peonies.

&8220;Do you have any heavy industry in Hartland?&8221;

Yes, we have a 450-pound Avon lady.

&8220;How do you control the thistles down on your farm?&8221;

We spray them with bourbon and the Baptists keep them gnawed right down to the ground.

&8220;How do you handle telemarketers?&8221;

I tell them that I’m Amish and could get in a lot of trouble for talking to them.

&8220;How did pirates keep those parrots on their shoulders?&8221;

Polly-grip.

&8220;What kind of emergency provisions should I take on a camping trip?&8221;

Fast food coupons.

&8220;Has technology hit Hartland?&8221;

It sure has.

I just purchased a razor that has four lades.

&8220;Who said, &8216;Life is short, eat the dessert first?’&8221; Sara Lee.

&8220;Why do we buy houses?

It leaves us broke and hopelessly in debt.&8221;

True, but it gives us the satisfaction of being broke and hopelessly in debt in our own homes.

&8220;What are people called who collect feathers?&8221;

They are plume crazy.

&8220;Do you wear any bird patches?&8221;

No, I’m afraid that if I wear a bird patch, I won’t want to watch

birds.

&8220;What exactly is lutefisk?&8221;

It’s too much of a bad thing.

&8220;Do cell phones work well in Hartland?&8221;

Yes, as long as you are not near a building, tree or bush.

&8220;Did you get an allowance when you were growing up?&8221;

Sure, I was allowed to do all the chores I

wanted to do.

&8220;What did the Native Americans call this country before the white man showed up?&8221;

Theirs.

&8220;Does anything odd happen in Hartland when there is a full moon?&8221;

Yes, the female deer change into bloodthirsty beasts.

They are called were-does.

&8220;Do bees get frequent-flier miles?&8221;

No, they get frequent-flower miles instead.

&8220;What would you get if you crossed a chicken with a cow?&8221;

Roost beef.

&8220;Have you ever heard of anyone being allergic to soap?&8221;

Only to poison Ivory.

&8220;Who is the Greek god of gas?&8221;

Amoco.

&8220;Why don’t you eat lutefisk?&8221;

Because I don’t believe that the words &8220;lutefisk&8221; and &8220;eat&8221; should ever be used in the same sentence.

&8220;What does it mean if the cows try to climb into the station wagon with me?&8221;

It means we’re

going to have a really cold winter.

&8220;I haven’t done anything for years.

What’s wrong with me?&8221;

You could be a newspaper

columnist.

(Hartland resident Al Batt writes a column for the Tribune each Wednesday and Sunday.)