For a short period of time, I was in an abusive relationship.When I think back now how easy I could have become a victim, it scares me, even today.

The fella I loved was tall, funny and a hard worker. He was also a heavy drinker with a short fuse when he drank a six-pack.

The day I learned he was abusive I fell out of love with him and could no longer stand to be in the same room with him.

We were outside with my two children, cooking hamburgers on a table-top grill.

The mood was light and we were joking back and forth. I don’t remember what he said, but I threw back a teasing retort and he grabbed me and pushed me into the wall and in a menacing voice told me to never say that again.

I had no idea what had set him off. Even later, going over it in my mind, I couldn’t pick out what had happened to make him so angry.

My kids, though pretty young at the time, remember this pivotable moment.

Not too long after this first event, he cleared the table in one sweep of his arm as we sat eating supper. The children were terrified and I had a mess to clean up. Again, I couldn’t identify what had gone so wrong, but I knew it was my fault.

When I realized what I was thinking, I knew I had to end the relationship. It wouldn’t be long before I couldn’t leave and would subject myself and my kids to terrible tempers.

Within six months the relationship had ended and I started life anew, with a battered self-esteem and low self-confidence. I can only imagine the kind of life I might have lived if I had stayed in the relationship and what it would have taught my children.

A few years ago, the man I left was arrested for battering his wife and ended up in the newspaper I worked for at the time. I thanked God for giving me the courage and the strength to leave.

Some women don’t make it out before they are hurt emotionally and physically. In Minnesota last year, at least 13 women were killed in cases where the suspected, alleged or convicted perpetrator was a current or former husband, boyfriend, intimate partner or household member of the deceased woman.

Just as disturbing is at least 11 children were murdered by someone they knew and at least 12 children were left without a mother.

This year, in Freeborn County, one woman was killed and another attempt was made. Two children were left without their mother and family, friends and co-workers were left wondering what more they could have done to prevent the death.

This month is Domestic Violence Awareness month &045; take the time to learn how you as a family member, co-worker or friend can help women and children in abusive relationships. Take the time to honor the women and children killed because of domestic violence. Attend the Domestic Violence Awareness Walk and Candlelight Vigil scheduled from 6:45 to 8 p.m. Thursday, Oct. 20, beginning at the Freeborn County Government Center and ending at the Fountain Lake gazebo.

The event is tentatively being sponsored by the Business and Professional Women, the Crime Victims Crisis Center, the American Association of University Women and Prevent Child Abuse Minnesota-Circle of Parents.

Several speakers will address the crowd and prayers and the lighting of candles will honor those women and children who lost their lives last year and into this one. Hot apple cider will be served.

There is one important way to stop violence &045; more programs must address the cause of violence: the abuser. Historically, efforts have primarily focused on how to help the women caught in this cycle. I contend we must help abusers learn how to cope with their anger and insecurities. Taking this approach also means money must be funneled to programs which help abusers. By no means am I suggesting the money be taken from program which help women, but rather additional money must be found for abuser programs.

Perhaps changing our focus will change life for all caught in the abuse cycle &045; victim and abuser. Being caught in this cycle is a waste of humanity for all who are invovled.

Next week, read the individual stories of the 13 women who lost their lives because of domestic violence last year.