I’ve learned always dominate the listening side of a conversation.

No one can keep a secret while speaking on a cell phone in a public place.

That the government does not exist just for my convenience.

Never listen to a book on tape that is read by Phyllis Diller.

I don’t have to attend every argument that I am invited to.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

If I file things, it makes it easier to lose them alphabetically.

It does no good to press harder on a remote control when the battery is dead.

The more marriage experts we have, the more divorces we have.

The more we share, the more we have.

Nothing improves a memory like trying to forget.

If I had enough money to buy a Rolls Royce, I would not buy a Rolls Royce.

No problem is so big that it couldn’t be blamed on someone else.

Days should all be 15 minutes longer so that each of us could get 15 minutes more sleep.

Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat.

It’s always darkest before the electric bill is paid.

If you can’t fix it with duct tape, it isn’t worth fixing.

If at first you don’t succeed, use a bigger hammer.

Most money is tainted. It taint mine.

You know you’re getting older if …

Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay there, the more

wrinkled you become.

You are getting older once you stop criticizing the older generation and start criticizing the younger generation.

There comes time when you realize that to err is human, to forget divine.

You think of heavy metal as a 1963 Buick.

You have stopped trying to look like either Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor and have begun trying very hard not to look like either Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

You know better than ask a spouse holding a plunger how her day was.

You have ever used a stick with a short piece of string attached to it to propel arrows made out of wood shingles.

You ever had a cell phone with a dial on it.

You remember when a TV antenna on the roof was a status symbol.

You remember when clothing and music were handed down to the next generation.

You are too old to wear anything from Old Navy.

Your family ever had a good scissors.

You have ever made a whistle out of a willow branch.

You remember when rainbows were in black and white.

You remember when dollar stores were dime stores.

You remember when talk radio was friendly and polite.

Instead of roasting a marshmallow over your birthday cake, you roast a turkey.

You have ever taped a fishing show.

You have ever hypnotized a chicken.

You have reached the point where you stop lying about your age and begin bragging about it.

You have ever squashed your own toe while using your rocking chair.

Have you ever wondered?

Is there anyone who has a time share that doesn’t want to get out of it?

If ants don’t go to school, are they truants?

What is that sticky stuff that’s on every coin you ever find in a car?

Does Roger Ebert know a good movie when he sees one?

Who it was who lifted a toilet seat and decided that the seat needed a hat?

Why a plate full of food only becomes dirty once it is empty?

Why most Elvis impersonators look more like Elizabeth Taylor?

Why most real estate salespersons are more likely to show a photo of themselves in an ad than a

house?

How much longer can New York be new?

Why do people snap their fingers while they’re trying to remember something?

If anybody could ever understand what the Dooby Brothers and Bruce Springsteen were saying in

their songs?

How come we had desks instead of times tables in math class?

Is it just a coincidence that the Roman numerals for 40 are XL?

Does Donald Trump make a Christmas list?

Why does every President make his predecessor look good.

How 2 percent milk can be so expensive when 98 percent of it isn’t even milk?

Do people who attend the symphony have cell phones with a ringer that makes a coughing sound?

Do the NBA playoffs have to last six months?

Do deer ever cross at deer crossings?

Why are kids punished for their truancy by being kicked out of school?

(Hartland resident Al Batt writes a column for the Tribune each Wednesday and Sunday.)