There are some things I just don’t get.

Take Ducks Unlimited, for example. From what I understand, this is an organization dedicated to preserving wetlands and breeding grounds for ducks, ensuring survival of the species &045; and, by proxy, the opportunity to kill them during hunting season. I guess you could call it responsible sportsmanship, but I liken it to the fattened calf in the story of the prodigal son. You would think that if they really cared about preserving waterfowl, they wouldn’t be out shooting them. It’s kind of like how former Vice President Dan Quayle claimed to be both pro-life and pro-death penalty. But that’s just my observation.

Before I wrote this column, I ran across the street to Kwik-Trip to fuel up with some food for thought: three roller grill hot dogs and a bottle of chocolate milk. While there I saw something mildly disturbing in the dairy cooler &045; root beer float flavored milk. No longer are our options limited to the Neapolitanesque flavors of chocolate, white and strawberry, now that soft drinks and the American Dairy Association have collided. I would like to have been at the board meeting where this idea was approved, and to have heard the other suggestions made in that brainstorming session. Granted, I have known kitchen chemists claim that Pepsi and milk taste good together, but I never expected to see anything like that in the store. Does the Nutrition Facts panel state that it is fortified with Vitamins A and D, and contains a full day’s supply of calcium &045; and caffeine? I’m all for wacky new flavors of things, but I’m having some difficulty understanding the appeal in something like this. I hope it fades into relative obscurity before the soft drink industry feels the need to launch Coca-Calcium and Skim Mountain Dew.

On another note, let’s talk about a bizarre connection between Hickory Tech and the war in Iraq. It is well known by now that France does not support our war efforts. This has drawn some anti-France sentiment among those in favor of the war. Hickory Tech is currently running a radio commercial featuring some Hickory Tech salesman with a French accent. What were the boys in advertising thinking when they taped that one? It was probably an oversight on their part, but one that could easily be misconstrued.

Another thing I don’t understand is why so many local telephone directories were apparently printed without the yellow pages. You would think that the yellow pages would be the most used part, since most people already know the names of the people they call regularly. It was always so easy to understand, too, because it was arranged alphabetically by topic. Without the yellow pages, where else are we supposed to look to find a reliable chimney sweep, an air conditioner repair person or someone who teaches guitar lessons? The weird thing about this phenomenon is that so far, it seems only to have affected the people who call in to Party Line requesting that sort of information. Isn’t that weird?

This part might sound very politically incorrect, but I also don’t get handicapped parking stalls. I mean, I understand and fully support their purpose &045; to provide the closest parking stalls to people who are disabled. What I do not understand, though, is why at Wal-Mart, the first six or eight stalls in each row are handicapped stalls. That’s like an entire fourth of the parking lot! I can see having that many in a larger city, like Rochester or Mankato, but does the Albert Lea store really need that many? It’s not like they’re ever all in use at the same time. I understand that better than the deal at ShopKo, though, where some stalls are labeled &uot;Preferred Parking for Senior Citizens.&uot; Why senior citizens? Why not &uot;Preferred Parking for Parents With Toddlers,&uot; or &uot;Preferred Parking for Expectant Mothers?&uot; Are they any less deserving of a close parking stall?

I don’t know. I guess for some things, the only appropriate response is to shake your head.

Dustin Petersen is an Albert Lea resident. His column appears Mondays.