Column: Will Durst, Raging Moderate

Let me be among the first 40-foot, helium-filled balloons to kick-start our national parade of giving thanks. That’s right, we’re just about to butt heads with Turkey Holocaust Day, and to be perfectly honest, it’s about time. A little tryptophan poisoning might be the perfect prescription for these trying times.

Doubly comforting because this particular holiday isn’t about greasing the wheels of capitalism with the fire-hose of consumer debt like that other holiday about a month down the road, which shall remain nameless. And this one doesn’t hide under any religious robes either. It’s purely about the journey to Comfort City through the Gluttonous Woods. Food, family, friends and football. Four of the five F’s.

So, allow me to express my gratitude for the fourth Thursday of November. One of the little things that go a long, long way to making life worth living. And here are a couple other examples of what a middle-aged, round-headed political pundit bows his head and gives thanks for.

Barack Obama. Because no matter what you think of his policies, you got to admire his ability not to get involved in them.

Dick Cheney. Six heart attacks and the man still manages to go on a book tour. How does a guy without a heart have six heart attacks? It would be like Rick Perry contracting a brain tumor.

Rick Perry suffered a 53-second brain freeze during a national debate. Fifty-three seconds. It only took the San Francisco 49ers eight seconds longer to score two touchdowns last Sunday. The Niners!

Former Democratic New York Congressman Anthony Weiner, who escaped the press by entering sexual rehab. “I’m a sexual addict.” Yeah. There’s another name for that. We call it — Male. The man is simply suffering from a not-so-atypical case of Y chromosome poisoning.

Newt Gingrich for refusing to go gently into that good night. Even Brett Favre is saying, “Give it up, old man.”

Herman Cain, whose long-form, cross-country Fox News audition has exceeded all expectations. Roger Ailes must be so proud.

The Occupy Wall Streeters. The “1 percent” dismiss the Occupiers due to questionable hygiene. Just because you smell odd doesn’t mean your message is any less true. The fact they can’t afford Chanel No. 5 may be part of the point.

Bill Clinton, who refuses to go away. God bless him. Although, President Obama might harbor another opinion.

Michele Bachmann. Her Newsweek cover photo made her look spooky, so supporters complained they cherry-picked a creepy-looking photo on purpose. Then the magazine put the entire photo shoot up online, asking, “Which one would you have picked?” And everybody shut up.

The entire Democratic Party, for failing to realize they’re in the middle of a war. Republicans attack them with torches and pitchforks and the Democratic response is to introduce legislation to reform pitchfork safety standards.

The entire GOP, which is waging an internal war for its very soul. The GOP Soul. Short book. Put it on the shelf right next to Great Democratic Leadership Battles.

Sarah Palin. Who refuses to go away. God bless her. Although, Mitt Romney might harbor another opinion. Or two. Diametrically opposed to each other.

Pat Robertson, who called the Republican presidential field too extreme. Pat Robertson blasting his party for extremism. That’s like having your drug intervention hosted by Lindsay Lohan. And Charley Sheen is driving the van.

You can’t make stuff up like this. See, I’m telling you. Life is good. Thankfully yours.

 

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: willdurst.com to find out more about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, “The-All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”