&uot;…And it don’t bother me if people think I’m &uot;funny,&uot; ’cause I’m a big rock star and I’m makin’ lots of money.&uot; &045; lyrics from &uot;Earache My Eye,&uot; by Alice Bowie, 1974.

Last night, Feb. 23, the 45th Grammy Awards were scheduled to be presented on CBS. Today, I present my second annual Earache Awards.

For those who missed this column last year, the Earache Awards, or &uot;Earries,&uot; are the musical equivalent of the Golden Raspberry Awards, which are awarded annually to the worst films made during that year. This year’s award categories and winners are as follows:

&045; The Worst Remake Award goes to Britney Spears for her anemic pop remake of the KISS classic, &uot;The Joy of Cola (The Pepsi Song).&uot; And, with Spears soon to be replaced as Pepsi’s spokesicon, there is a distinct possibility of Destiny Child’s Beyonce Knowles (who has been named as her replacement) winning this award next year.

&045; The Whitman Award goes to Pink for her song, &uot;Get This Party Started,&uot; in which she sings about her popularity, possessions and style. Too bad she couldn’t have bought some class to go with her Mercedes Benz and flashy diamond rings. Incidentally, this award is named in honor of Walt Whitman’s ego-boosting poem, &uot;Song of Myself,&uot; in which Whitman writes, &uot;I celebrate myself and sing myself, and what I shall assume, you shall assume,&uot; which is precisely what Pink is doing here, albeit on a slightly less literate scale.

&045; The 180 Award, for musicians who have become a parody of their original selves. This year’s winner is former bat-biting heavy metal shock-rocker Ozzy Osbourne, who, through the passage of time and the phenomenon of reality programming, has become approximately as threatening to today’s parents as Ozzie Nelson was to the parents of the 1950s. This leads me to wonder if, in another 20 years, Marilyn Manson will be a candidate for this award.

&045; The Hang Up Your Microphone Already Award goes to Axl Rose, former frontman of Guns ‘N’ Roses. With all the album delays, band lineup changes and canceled concerts, his reputed difficulty to work with is catching up with him. Meanwhile, all the other members of GNR’s most famous lineup are playing together in clubs again &045; a step down from their late ’80s heyday, but more than what Rose is doing.

&045; The Nobody Cares Anymore Award goes to Michael Jackson, who is once again drumming up controversy for himself in order to jump-start his lackluster album sales. You’re not fooling anyone, Michael. Do us &045; and yourself &045; a favor, and retire with dignity.

&045; The Most Annoying Commercial Jingle Award goes to The Minnesota State Lottery Band for the &uot;The Scratch Game Sleeps Tonight.&uot; This band is long known for their recording of singles that make for just plain painful listening. (Incidentally, Tom Kadlec’s &uot;Tom Kadlec Dot Com&uot; theme song and &uot;We’re Keepin’ You in Touch,&uot; by The Hickory Tech Band were also nominated for this category.)

&045; The We’re on to Your Scheme Award goes to Sting, for releasing a long succession of greatest hits compilations instead of new material. Seriously, how is &uot;Sting’s Greatest Hits&uot; any different from &uot;Greatest Hits of Sting,&uot; &uot;The Best of Sting,&uot; &uot;Sting’s Best,&uot; or any of his other compilation albums?

&045; The Underachiever Award goes to Boston, for recently releasing what is only their fifth album consisting of new material, despite having recorded their debut album in 1976 &045; a frequency of approximately one album every five years. They have released fewer original albums than Sting has released compilation albums.

&045; The Musical Deception Award goes to Target stores, for carrying what appears to be 3-CD sets of hits from the ’60s through the ’90s, recorded by the original artists. However, if you read the small print, you will discover that the songs on these recordings are actually performed by The Countdown Mixmasters.

In addition to worldwide recognition, all Earache Award winners receive an &uot;Earrie,&uot; which is a gold-plated miniature statue resembling a &uot;hear no evil&uot; monkey. Any musician or group receiving three or more Earries (no matter the category) during their musical career will automatically be enshrined in the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Shame &045; and have a category named after them the following year.

Dustin Petersen is an Albert Lea resident. His column appears Mondays.