Headlines from Hartland Harold:

Bath Cafe offers special of Center Line Bovine dinner for only $7.95. It is straight from the hood. The take-out special is Anything Dead On Bread.

Local church has baptism nightmare. Coast Guard involved.

Mule Lake Cafe offers the chicken that didn’t cross the road as its special. It replaces the popular “If you can guess what this is, you eat free” special.

Telephone company apologizes for delay in long distance calls. A spokesman said that the area code was busy.

The Hartland Junior Volunteer Fire Department forms a water pistol brigade.

Parking meter on Main Street removed after no one parks in front of it for seven years.

Local boxing match a great success even though space limitations required both boxers to sit in the same corner. Bruise Lee won by a split decision.

Local one-man street department, Luke Bizzy, uses a salad shooter to spread salt on city streets.

The Hartland Safe Company adopts new company slogan: “If your stuff is stolen, it’s not out vault.”

Old gas station burns. All that is left is an empty Shell.

Kerry Okie opens Hartland Music Store in CD part of town.

Hartland’s attorney, Bill M. Moore, moves into his new legal pad. He has recently announced the addition of Sue First to his staff.

Alice Wonderland’s pet electric eel exhibits shocking behavior and is brought up on charges before a circuit judge.

A truck carrying copies of a thesaurus tips over in front of Nielsen’s Conoco. The driver, Ken Opener, was stunned, overwhelmed, flummoxed, bewildered, astonished, flabbergasted, astounded and dumbfounded.

Mike Tyson is granted a license to box in Hartland. He will start his gift-wrapping enterprise two weeks before Christmas.

Bath Cafe offers “Lip Remover Chili,” served only to those accompanied by a paramedic.

A local bank offers a free toaster with each new account. The problem is that you have to fill out a withdrawal slip to get the toast out.

The expedition to climb Mount Everest led by Hartland resident, Xavier Breath, failed when the group ran out of scaffolding.

Local tap dancing class comes to an end when the instructor breaks his ankle after falling into the sink.

Visitors to Bath cemetery claim to hear buttermaker churning in his grave.

Local terrorists arrested after being found in possession of more than a ton of high-grade lutefisk.

The Bath Grocery Store becomes the first of its kind to arrange all of its items alphabetically. “It will be a wonderful shopping experience for someone who only needs toilet paper and Tollhouse cookies,” said a spokesman for the store.

An MBA (Master Bull Artist) degree is being offered to all those who spent enough hours hanging around Tom’s Barber Shop.

Hartland Township’s Tourism Board adopts the motto, “Come and see our corn.”

A rare Norwegian Wren is spotted near Geneva. The Norwegian Wren winters in Alaska and then heads south for the summer.

Shagbark Hickory gets married. He tried to keep it a secret, but everybody could tell he was hitched because there were chewing tobacco juice stains on both sides of his pickup.

King’s Hardware (not quite as good as Ace Hardware) offers a GPS that will tell you, no matter where you are, where the four closest places to get coffee, pie and real mashed potatoes are.

The Hartland Area Farmers’ Organization advises that when life gives you llamas, you should make llaminade.

The Never Fail Burglar Alarm Factory is broken into. Thieves get away with 500 burglar alarms. Sheriff places no value on the stolen merchandise.

Magic is in the air as a tractor turns into a field.

“99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” named school fight song of Hartland University.

It’s Double Dog Dare Day at Helmer’s House of Hot Peppers.

Local undertaker, Yul B. Sari, claims life isn’t for everyone.

Gene Pool at Hartland Drug Store offers sale on garlic in the belief that it will help people who need their personal space.

Al G. Brah, local math teacher, says that beauty is skin deep, but his classes have proven that stupid goes right to the bone.

Hartland resident Al Batt writes columns for the Wednesday and Sunday editions of the Tribune.