&t;I&gt&uot;You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers.

Saturday, April 13, 2002

&uot;You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions.&uot; -Naguib Mahfouz, author

It’s time again to place a call to the cellar and get old Albert out of hibernation.

If you haven’t heard of him, I’m talking about Albert L. Tribune, the wise old codger who inhabits the basement level of the Albert Lea Tribune’s sprawling Front Street complex. When readers ask questions that stump me, or when I have a question of my own, I sometimes turn to the sage advice of this long-time employee.

I’m pleased to report that the Tribune received a real-live letter for Mr. Tribune just last week. He gets mail all the time, but rarely letters; usually they’re credit-card offers or press releases.

So, let’s see how Albert tackles some of the hard questions that have been thrown around over the last few months – some from the letter I mentioned, and some that I’ve heard others around town ask:

Dear Albert:

Now that the school board cut its two parking-lot attendants for next year, does that mean students won’t have to pay for parking anymore? After all, the whole reason for the fee was to pay for the security guards, and now they’ve been cut.

Albert says:

You must not know how these things work. Once somebody starts charging you for something, they ain’t gonna stop. If anything, you’re lucky if they don’t raise the price every now and then. In the case of the high school, they may be cutting their parking-lot folks, but they are going to be assigning other staff to parking-lot detail. So, they are still providing security and therefore can still justify the fee. At least it’s not going up, though.

Dear Albert:

I’m spittin’ mad! The school cuts all these teachers and stuff, and then I see on the front page of the Tribune that they’ve got an artist painting a giant mural on the wall? How could they spend money on that frivolous stuff when teachers are losing jobs and tots are being asked to walk to school?

Albert says:

Slow down, tiger. You have to realize that the artist in question is donating his time. The school is not paying him. Why, if somebody offered to paint pictures of hedgehogs or something on the walls in this dank, gloomy basement, and they wanted to do it for free, I’d be jumpin’ at the chance.

Dear Albert:

Is the planned boat dock going to be located at the city beach? Will there be boats and canoes available to rent?

Albert says:

Yes and no, respectively. I read that the city is going to build that new boat dock – supposed to be this summer, they say – but they won’t be letting that nice fellow rent out boats. Why not? Well, obviously, because four people who live in that neighborhood decided they didn’t like the idea. As you know, any time four people don’t like something, that’s the end of it. In a town of more than 18,000, four people is considered quite a coalition. You’d be surprised what four people can do if they really set their minds to it. In fact, they can accomplish more than the six people sitting on the city council can. I can’t explain how; I was never good at math.

Dear Albert:

Can the county commissioners borrow money and build whatever they want to with no vote from us citizens?

Albert says:

Again, yes and no. It all depends on what kind of bonds they use. You see, to pay for something like this, they will sell bonds, then pay those bonds off over a period of many years. If they want to sell one popular kind of bond, they are forced to have a public referendum beforehand. However, they can choose a different kind of bonding, which does not require a referendum. They haven’t decided what kind of bonding to do yet, so the issue is still up in the air. I reckon we’ll be hearing more about this in the coming weeks, so watch the newspaper for it.

Dear Albert:

I have a dollar in my pocket. Why didn’t the school district sell me the old high school?

Albert says:

If you’ve got a dollar, you had best save it. We’ve got another school referendum coming up, a courthouse to build and a watershed to clean. Plus, I think the tax man will be in town tomorrow. That’s bad news for me; like I said, I’m no good at math.

Dylan Belden is the Tribune’s managing editor. His column appears Sundays. E-mail him at dylan.belden@albertleatribune.com