Scott Schmeltzer, Thanks for Listening

As the hot August heat starts turning a bit cooler, — do you hear that Mother Nature? — you cannot help but to think about school starting again.

Cue: a loud cheer from parents who have run out of things to do with their kids.

In all of the stores, the back-to-school sale signs are up and the notebooks, pencils, pens and backpacks line every aisle. I think I missed the announcement, but I believe back-to-school shopping is now a major holiday. I really should run over to Hallmark and see if I should be buying cards that say things like “Congratulations on your back-to-school shopping adventure” and “Happy Back to School Shopping Day.”

As a father, my job for back-to-school shopping is really as a roving ATM and shopping bag carrier. I usually just sit in the dad seat and wait for my wife and daughter to emerge from the dressing rooms, and then I jump into action with my debit card and large, bag-carrying arms. I also cannot give an opinion on any outfits as I do not know or understand style. I am allowed, however, to murmur: “That looks nice” and “Do you guys want a refreshment of any kind?”

While sitting in the dad seats, you get a chance to talk to the other fathers who would trade anything to be at the Twins game or even do hard labor, as opposed to shopping, but at the same time they want to be a part of their little girls’ big day. We dads all have this glazed-over “I hope they do not melt our credit cards with this spending trip” and “Is it over yet” looks that we wear most of the day. We sit, we smile, oh, and we buy lunch. Dads and shopping do not really go together, but we love our children and also know that being a part of this family time will eventually allow us some fishing or golfing time down the road as a trade-off.

While viewing other shopping people, I happened to notice that shopping during my era is totally different than in this modern era. Back in the day, we went to the local bootery and got one pair of boots that were three sizes too big (“you can wear a couple of pairs of socks” still rings in my head) because they were chosen by my mother after using her huge mom thumb to crush the end of my toes. Then we limped out to go to Montgomery Ward for jeans and corduroy pants.

Today it seems as if the kids rule and just tell the parents what, when, why, who and how they are buying the clothes. I saw one child yell at her mom that she was “stupid” and so “out of it.” I cringed thinking about how that would have played out when I was a child. If I ever would have used those words to my parents, well, can I just say that sitting would not have been a priority and I also would have been going to school naked as no clothes would have been purchased for me.

In my era, Mom ruled and you just tried stuff on until she said stop and then you just wore what she bought. I am pretty sure that as one child among six, I was trying on stuff for my brothers and sisters, too, to save my mom time as I never really remember wearing that halter top and white slacks that I tried on at JC Penney’s.

Back-to-school also never included gadgets that came out just in time for school. I do remember in high school buying a calculator, but that is very sad in comparison to today’s gadgets. Cell phones, iPods, iPads, Kindles and laptops are hanging off every teenager like they are a storm trooper getting ready for battle.

The pressure to have the right clothes is enough to put a child into about two years of therapy; I cannot even imagine how many years it would be if you accidentally buy the wrong thingamajig at Best Buy. The pressure of all this modern back-to-school shopping now makes begging for a “Charlie’s Angel’s” lunchbox seem pretty tame. Good luck to everyone who has to go through this chore.

Tribune Publisher Scott Schmeltzer’s column appears every Thursday.