Maryanne Law, Families First

Question: How do I discipline my children so that they will make good choices even when I’m not present?

Answer: Most of us remember being youngsters in a classroom that erupted in commotion when the teacher left and then quieting down at one child’s warning that, “The teacher is coming!” Hopefully, we also remember being older and being able to stay on task even when the teacher left the room.

Learning self-discipline is a process that is best developed in a supportive environment where children have the chance to try and fail and try again. Children who learn self-discipline have received three messages: I believe in you. I trust you. You can handle it.

As adults who will give children space to practice self-discipline, we need to think about strategy. Discipline includes protection, instruction and accountability. We are responsible for creating an environment which helps our children succeed, not one that sets them up to stumble. Our job is to share useful information and teach needed skills. It is also our role to set the standards and monitor behaviors, intervening with respectful correction and appropriate consequences when necessary.

We are wise to spend some time thinking about our role as referee. When children are about to overreact, do they need to be reminded to shape up, that they will be in big trouble if they do this or that? Or can we remind them to slow down and think?

When a kid has a problem, must we solve it for him? Or can we say, “You certainly do have a problem. What is your plan?”

When a child tattles, must we act on the complaint (knowing that will encourage other children to tattle)? Or can we ask the tattler, “Why are you telling me this?” If one child is trying to get the other in trouble, it will be more effective to say, “I believe you are capable of handling the situation appropriately without me.” Of course, sometimes children need to practice what they will say. Some children have to be watched more closely than others when they go back to work it out. Remember, we are getting out of rescuing them so that they learn they are capable people who can solve problems, not so that we have less work! We stay involved, but at a distance.

Self-discipline involves more than controlling inappropriate behavior. It involves higher thinking skills and the confidence developed by controlling the environment, rather than being victimized by it.

If you would like to talk about the challenges of raising children, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204/Línea de Apoyo at 877-434-9528. For free emergency child care call Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org.

Maryanne Law is the executive director of the Parenting Resource Center in Austin.