Angie Barker, Entertain Me

Dear spoilers,

This column is your comeuppance.

I warned you it was coming; in fact it is long overdue. I will reveal to the good citizens of your evil plot to ruin our suspenseful, and usually hard-earned, surprise. We invest time and effort into our entertainment and we refuse to have the rewards snatched so effortlessly from our hands. Warning! There are spoilers ahead. This would be your SPOILER ALERT. Here are some examples that span multiple years:

While renting a movie, the girl in line behind me sees my selection, “Fight Club,” and says, “Great movie!” I respond with “thanks” and give her a “you seem like a clever and nice person” smile, because clearly she can tell I have great taste which means she has great taste. Making friends at the video store, nice. Then she ruined our almost-relationship by adding, “Can you believe they were the same person?” and gaffs in disbelief. I turn, sans all friendly smiles, and slowly shake the movie, “Nope, I haven’t seen it.” In her excitement she misses all verbal and non-verbal cues. “You are going to love it. I just couldn’t believe the ending.” Me either.

When my husband, Josh, and I were dating, we went to see “The Sixth Sense.” This was a big spoiler movie. People would not keep quiet about this thing. I had to abandon half full grocery carts when strangers started talking, “Did you see ‘The Sixth Sense’ yet?” I will take some of the blame for this one since we waited months before going, but you have to understand that spoilers are bell curved. In the beginning there is buzz and it’s easily avoidable, in the middle you might as well barricade inside your home for a few weeks, and then the fade away where it’s safe to come out. We were well inside the fade away, sitting in the dark theater, watching the bike accident scene. I thought we were so money, when the guy in front of us leans over to his lady friend and says, “Which one is dead, the mom or Bruce Willis?” You got to be kidding me! Months of avoidance wasted, and to be foiled by a bad memory an hour before the finale. Oh, sweet irony.

DVR’s have a short lifespan at our house. Our programming demands the strength of an Olympian weightlifter and they eventually crumble under the pressure. The first year it died the only thing I cared about losing was, ironically, “Lost.” I can’t watch that show one week at a time so I hadn’t even started the new season. This show is almost impossible not to hear spoilers about. I knew I would have to put in some serious work to make it to the DVD release. But I did it, because I’m not a quitter. Then the next year comes round and I think seriously before waiting to watch but my logic was based on the old proverb that lightening doesn’t strike twice. No way would I miss two seasons in a row. Math and proverbs were not on my side. I should have known better than to trust math. It always betrays me! I haven’t been able to be alone with my brother, Mark, in almost two years cause he can’t keep “Lost” to himself. I may have given up a sibling, but when I get to see the series finale it will have been worth it.

Albert Lea resident Angie Zoller Barker’s column appears every Monday in the Albert Lea Tribune. Email questions, recommendations, or comments to entertainmecolumn@gmail.com.