Column: Angie Barker, Entertain Me

Just writing this column makes me feel like I drank too much hot chocolate. I’m excited to the point of giddy about holiday movies. It seems cliché to write a column about holiday movies but that’s because holiday movies are cliché. We can expect a happy ending and some strong moral themes while wrapped in our Snuggies. Good will always triumph over evil, a little faith will take you a long way and gratitude is as invaluable to a holiday plot as talking animals are to a Disney movie.

The repeated viewings and formulaic plots is what make them so comforting. The only other genre to enjoy such a showcasing is horror in October. Why not Sy-fy in July? We can take this thing around the calendar if we try. We like to know what to expect, and we love not choosing. It’s best to stumble upon the movies while channel surfing rather than a deliberate decision. Then it seems like life is doing you solid and wants you to be happy, like winning the TV lottery. Thanks life and happy holidays to you too.

This is my holiday movie wish-list. Let the cheer-filled, hot chocolate fueled surfing begin:

“Elf” is a human stow-away in Santa’s bag on Christmas night. He is raised by elves until his size becomes such a big problem that he is sent to New York City in search of his birth father. Favorite line: “We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup.”

“Love Actually” is a movie of vignettes about eight couples who deal with love and their relationships in the month before Christmas. Favorite line: Colin: “I’ve bought a ticket to the States. I’m off in three weeks.” Tony: “No!” Colin: “Yes! To a fantastic place called Wisconsin.”

“Home Alone” is about an eight-year-old who is left home alone on Christmas and must defend his house against burglars. Favorite line: “This house is so full of people it makes me sick. When I grow up and get married, I’m living alone.”

“The Santa Clause” states that in putting on the suit and entering the sleigh, the wearer waives any and all rights to any previous identity, real or implied, and fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus, in perpetuity until such time that the wearer becomes unable to do so, by either accident or design. Favorite line: “Who gave you permission to tell Charlie there was no Santa Claus? I think if we’re going to destroy our son’s delusions, I should be a part of it.”

“The Grinch Who Stole Christmas” is a grouchy hermit who gets so tired of Christmas he intends to steal it, only to find it cannot be stolen. Favorite line: “The nerve of those Whos! Inviting me down there, on such short notice! Even if I wanted to go my schedule wouldn’t allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me – I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing… I’m booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear?”

Albert Lea resident Angie Zoller Barker’s column appears every Monday in the Albert Lea Tribune. Email questions, recommendations, or comments to entertainmecolumn@gmail.com.