Column: Tales from Exit 22, by Al Batt

My doorbell rings.

I open the door and a robed visitor accompanied by sitar music walks in. It’s the renowned mystic from the Far East (the eastern part of the Township), the fabled soothsayer, the seventh son of the seventh son of the seventh son, the oracle from just down the road; Swami Davis Jr. stops by to give me his predictions for 2013. He knows little, but suspects a lot. He excels at predicting everything but the future. He dispenses forecasts like a bad vending machine.

The Swami has been indwelled by a spirit of divination, a muse of unearthly clairvoyance. The Swami sees all, knows all, and reveals all to those who proffer tribute. A savant of such gifts that within his psyche lie the limits of human understanding. As a fearless, feckless and foolish seer, he is without peer. Even though unreasonable zoning laws that discourage the ancient Roman practice of haruspicy (divining the future by examining the entrails of recently slaughtered beasts) hamper him, you can take his predictions to the bank. They will provide records for use during your bankruptcy proceedings. Many have called him a bum seer and a purveyor of impaired prognostications, but at least one person (his mother) has called him “uncannily accurate.” Swami Davis Jr. is a reader of palms and tea leaves — he takes an orange pekoe at the future. Reading tea leaves is difficult. There is no plot or character development. His crystal ball (purchased at a rummage sale at Bowling Elaine’s) is back from the shop after having its foreteller replaced.

“Swami Davis Jr., who illuminates the dark corners of our culture, whose knowledge is beyond compare. By contrast, Nostradamus is nothing more than a flawed speculator. Oh, wise Swami, thou vessel of infinite wisdom, who is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent, tell me, your humble implorer, what the future holds,” I entreat, knowing that most of my future lies ahead.

Swami Davis Jr. is a cowboy who rounds up predictions. He sees into the future by turning his car’s rearview mirror around. Here are his bold predictions for 2013.

A mayor is sworn in and indicted at the same time.

Iowa secedes from the Union and develops nuclear weapons.

Stop signs, turn signals and speed limits continue to be ignored.

A local TV station installs windows so the weatherman can see what he’s forecasting.

Dairy farmers start making ethanol from cheese. It is a healthy move as it pulls cheese from the production of cheese curds and cheese puffs.

In a cost-cutting move, the Pentagon is reduced to the Triangle.

Meryl Streep plays herself in a movie.

City gives up cleaning lake when it discovers that it is cheaper to dye it blue.

Richard Simmons puts on long pants. The entire world exhales.

A reality TV show star is caught reading a book.

No band will be able to play “Stars and Stripes Forever” forever.

A man avoids an accident by not texting while driving.

Recent studies find that previous studies are hogwash.

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt convicted of identity theft.

The gold medal winner for the Olympic laziest man competition doesn’t show up to collect his award.

Organization advocating less government begins an “Adopt a pothole” program.

Relay runners pass cellphones instead of batons during track meets.

A Dodge County team wins the national dodgeball championship.

The president moves to Montreal to get an objective view of our government.

Jimmy cracks corn. Once again, no one cares.

Thanks to improved voicemail, the pot calls the kettle back.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell introduces a rule that replaces helmets with seatbelts and exchanges X’s and O’s for tic-tac-toe games.

The Rolling Stones develop rolls and stones.

A leisure suit comes out of the closet.

Movie theaters replace popcorn with pudding to make it easier for moviegoers to hear onscreen whispering.

Major League Baseball, in an attempt to speed up games, requires hitters to do all of their scratching before stepping into the batter’s box.

Too Democratic and Too Republican parties form.

Congress raises taxes on millionaires after declaring every taxpayer to be a millionaire.

Hartland Township erects “No Deer Crossing” signs in the hope of reducing collisions.

Minnesota Twins sign a shortstop who plays the position Gangnam Style.

Rock-paper-scissors tournaments use real rocks and scissors.

City sells sponsorships of winter storms to help pay for the snow removal.

In an uncertain world, the Swami brings more uncertainty to light.

What went around will come around. Tomorrow will be another day — probably last Tuesday.

 

Hartland resident Al Batt’s columns appear every Wednesday and Sunday.