Column: Thanks for Listening, by Scott Schmeltzer

If you are reading this column and have not bought a Valentine’s Day gift for your wife or girlfriend yet, you are in trouble. You should quickly make a dinner reservation and go shopping.

Today is Valentine’s Day. It is the day that all single people hate and all dating couples love. Here are fun facts from stvalentinesday.org:

• More than 36 million heart-shaped boxes of chocolate are sold for Valentine’s Day each year.

• About 1 billion Valentine’s Day cards are exchanged in the U.S. each year. That’s the largest seasonal card-sending occasion of the year, next to Christmas.

• Worldwide, more than 50 million roses are given for Valentine’s Day each year.

Superstitions from this holiday also exist. Did you know that some people believe:

• If an apple is cut in half, the number of seeds found inside the fruit will indicate the number of children that individual will have.

• To be awoken by a kiss on Valentine’s Day is considered lucky.

On Valentine’s Day, the first guy’s name you read in the paper will be the name of the man you will marry. (I hope it is not in the convictions)

• If you see a squirrel on Valentine’s Day, you will marry a cheapskate who will hoard all your money.

• If you see a goldfinch on Valentine’s Day, you will marry a millionaire.

• If you see a robin on Valentine’s Day, you will marry a crime fighter (maybe they mean Batman!)

If you see a flock of doves on Valentine’s Day, you will have a happy, peaceful marriage. (Or you just are at a Prince concert)

I personally think that a couple of simple rules apply to making Valentine’s Day perfect. First, the holiday is for women. Guys, suck it up and realize that you need to buy at least one of the following items: designer purse, jewelry, perfume, roses, wine, chocolate and a nice dinner. Any combination of these seven items is also good. Second, if you are married, your wife may replace any of these mentioned items with new furniture, a car, iPad, a remodel of the house or a vacation trip to someplace warm. Once you are married all bets are off because it is all a bartering system and just knowing your bride will win is really what a man needs to know. The third man Valentine’s rule is really the first married man rule and that is, “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Learn it, live it, love it. If she gets you a card and a piece of beef jerky, you say thank you, this is the best Valentine’s Day present of all time. Remember the first rule of Valentine’s Day and that is: Valentine’s Day is for women. This day, if done right by the man, allows us a hunting or sports weekend later on in the year; so do not screw it up. It also allows you the peace and quiet of not hearing about how you screwed up Valentine’s Day and that you really do not love her! You do not want this as it will cost you more in the long run ($$$) than getting it right the first time.

The fourth and final rule is do not stray from the first three rules. If you go and buy a vacuum, pots and pans, or something that is practical on Valentine’s Day, you are dead. Good luck and happy Valentine’s Day!

Tribune Publisher Scott Schmeltzer’s column appears every Thursday.