Column: Raging Moderate, by Will Durst

Put on your tinfoil hats everybody. Or didn’t you get the memo? Its paranoia time in America again. Maybe it’s the spring that brings out the crazy in our legislators. Of course, that would assume a semblance of sanity the other three seasons, and nobody wants to bet anything more than lunch money on that proposition.

The deal is, some maladjusted California State senator who obviously didn’t get enough hugs from his mommy has single-handedly set out to shackle another of our nation’s emerging industries to the cement block of job-killing restriction. Apparently, we don’t have enough problems, so this guy has to make stuff up.

A bill by Alex Padilla, D-Pacoima, would make civilian spy drones illegal and require law enforcement to obtain a warrant before deployment. Doesn’t he get it? You can’t hold back the future. The drones are coming. Probably wants to require air bags and wheelchair ramps installed for potential disabled mouse pilots as well.

This loony leftist has targeted an embryonic market, which unfettered would have the potential to boost this country’s economy to the tune of hundreds of billions of dollars. Not to mention destroying any possibility of worldwide drone domination. Ground-floor dronage is what we’re giving up here.

Just what we don’t need. Another namby-pamby California socialist with his knickers all in a wad over more silly liberal concepts like invasion of privacy. Who’s he kidding? What privacy? Like we got any left. Must live in a cave. Besides, if you’re not doing anything wrong, you got nothing to worry about. Although, the definition of wrong does tend to be somewhat elastic these days according to who’s on the critiquing end. But as long as god-fearing people are in charge, we can sleep easy. Fearing the right god, that is.

It is estimated by the year 2020, 10,000 drones will be scampering around U.S. airspace. Municipal drones. Federal drones. Personal drones. Pocket drones. Big drones with baby drones flying out of their bellies. Lexus drones. Pinto drones. Security drones. Billboard drones. Drones with eyes and ears and wings and feet and … arms. Imagine every household functioning as its own defense department with a flying bazooka under remote control. It’s a patriot’s dream come true.

Now think of the jobs the drone industry could create. Drone traffic controllers. Drone valets. Drone charging stations. After-market drone turbo conversion shops. Replacement drone dome light factories. And in response, the brave new world of technology designed to thwart and stymie drones. Drone sensors. Rooftop detection radar. Heat emitting decoys. Drone clones. Huge umbrella hats and lightweight overcoats with enormous shoulder pads to foil recognition software. Harry Potter brand invisibility cloaks.

The day will come when entire law firms specialize in drone issues. Representing plaintiffs and manufacturers in cases involving drone accidents, drone crashes and folks rained down upon with drone debris leading to … drone insurance. And the listening capabilities of drones will inevitably lead to a proliferation in the use of American Sign Language.

But, if people like Alex Padilla get their way, this legislation will set off a veritable avalanche of meddling regulation. Next will come neighborhood no-fly zones. And then the Seagulls’ Bill of Rights. So, write your representatives today and tell them to say yes to America. Say yes to drones. Say yes to… little deaf children.

 

Recipient of seven consecutive nominations for Stand-Up of the Year, Will Durst performs his new one-man show, “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG,” on Tuesday, May 7, at The Marsh, San Francisco. Go to themarsh.org or willdurst.com for more info.