Column: Thanks for Listening, by Scott Schmeltzer

Happy Mother’s Day!

Please do not forget this Sunday is Mother’s Day. It takes only a card or call that will make this day special to the person who raised you, inspired you and put her life on hold so that you could take center stage.

Please, take the time to remember Mom.

My mom, Marilyn Schmeltzer, turned 76 years young this year and is astonishing. She raised six kids and still kept her sanity. I thought this is a suitable week to share some of the sound advice that she and many other mothers have bestowed on us while growing up.

Maybe some of this advice will sound familiar to you as well. If I forgot any, feel free to add your own.

In or out — as the screen door was slamming.

I hope you have children who are just like you.

You plant potatoes, you get potatoes.

Can’t get blood out of a turnip. (I never did even like turnips)

Like a bull in a china shop.

Money doesn’t grow on trees, you know.

Close the door! Were you raised in a barn?

Here’s a dime kid. Go call someone who cares.

Because I said so.

If (insert friend’s name here) jumped off a bridge, would you jump off a bridge?

Stop crying before I give you something to cry about! (This scared me quite a bit)

We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Your face is going to freeze that way.

You’ll get worms. (Chocolate chip dough was the best.)

You can’t swim for a half hour after eating.

Hold your horses.

You think that’s funny? We’ll see how funny it is when you are in your room.

I’ll wash your mouth out with soap. (Terrible taste, by the way.)

When I was your age, I had to walk 10 miles to school.

You’re not made of sugar. You won’t melt.

You’ll live.

Rub some dirt on it. (What!)

This hurts me more than it hurts you. (This never hurt my parents more than it hurt me. Never.)

If you ever go to jail, you will spend the night. (Mom was true to her word.)

I brought you into this world, and I’ll just as soon take you out!

Just wait till your father gets home! (Scariest words ever, because my dad was an Army Ranger.)

And who do you think you are? The queen of Sheba. (I still cannot find Sheba on a map, although my neighbors had a dog named Sheba.)

I was not born yesterday, mister.

There are starving people in Africa who would gladly eat your dinner!

Don’t burn the candle at both ends.

You kids will be the death of me yet.

I suppose you think you are special, Lady Jane. (My mom said this to my sisters, and I checked with them. Guess what? They never knew who Lady Jane was.)

As long as you live under my roof, you will follow my rules.

Don’t you make me pull this car over!

You should move out now while you know it all. (My personal favorite that I also used.)

Don’t make me repeat myself!

You’re not going anywhere until you finish your meal.

Deal with it.

Go to your room.

And finally: Stop it.

There were the things my mom would do that sometimes you just did not comprehend until you become a parent. Being a great parent means sacrifice.

You give up time, new clothes and new cars for the chance to give everything in your soul to your child. When there was only four pieces of cake for five people, my mom would always say something like: “I never did care for cake all that much,” or “Oh my, I am way too full right now.”

At the time, you did not understand, but as you grew older, you got it.

Mom, thanks for getting it.

I love you lots.

Happy Mother’s Day

Your loving son,

Scott

 

Tribune Publisher Scott Schmeltzer’s column appears every Thursday.