Things I Tell My Wife by Matt Knutson

“Put down your computer; we have to go right now,” I urgently told my wife. To my surprise she immediately complied and started toward the garage. When I quickly explained that I found a free Christmas tree on Craigslist and was worried it’d be gone if we didn’t get it right away, I found myself in wonderment of her full support.

Yes, I was the bad husband last December who didn’t get a Christmas tree for our first Christmas together as a married couple. I have a decent defense.

First, do you realize how much an artificial tree costs? We’re on a limited budget that doesn’t have that much room for seasonal decor. Could we have purchased a miniature tree? Sure, but then when we could get a full-sized tree, we’d have no use for the smaller one, and I’m not a fan of waste or excess.

Secondly, we knew we wouldn’t be home for Christmas. I was working for the college, and Sera hadn’t yet been approved to work, so we knew I’d have a lengthy break and we’d spend that time travelling to see relatives.

Thirdly, a real tree was out of the question. I grew up with a fresh pine every Christmas and it’s actually my preference, but the potential fire hazard outweighs the fresh scent when you’re renting and your wife has forgotten to turn off the oven one too many times.

So we went without a Christmas tree our first year, but I’ve made a promise to Sera that this year will be different. Driving across town, I could feel my wife begin to lose hope that we’d finally have our own tree. We couldn’t help but imagine the Grinch was driving the van in front of us as they turned where we’d soon be turning, surely following the exact same path to our tree. Would they get to the house moments before us, take the tree, and drive it off to Mount Crumpit, forever looming high above Whoville?

Thankfully the people in the van weren’t the Christmas stealers of Craigslist. When Sera and I arrived in the wealthy neighborhood and saw the large box containing our new Christmas tree, it was apparent we were experiencing a Christmas in July miracle. We barely made it fit into our small SUV and began the quick drive back home when our miracle began reeking of something far from heavenly.

First Sera politely rolled down her window, not wanting to say anything negative about the odor coming from the back of the vehicle. Then we blasted the air, hoping it would at least weaken the awful scent of death that was coming from our Christmas tree. Hoping the best, I decided we’d still take it home, unbox it and let it air out in the garage. With the help of Febreze, our tree could be as good as new! Except it wouldn’t be.

As we began to piece the tree together in our garage, we found the cause of the scent. Christmas mice had nested in our Christmas tree, with their little dead bodies scattered throughout the middle branches. I glanced at my wife and knew immediately that our Christmas miracle would be taken away with tomorrow’s trash. Our Craigslist tree, a theoretical symbol of Christ’s birth, was now a memorial for dead mice.

We learned for the first time in our marriage that sometimes things are too good to be true. Being hopeful is aspirational, but reality is necessary to keep you from chasing ideas that are unrealistic. We should have known that a free Craigslist tree would come at a price that most would not be willing to pay. Additionally, I’ve learned that some things are worth paying for, no matter the price. I’ll gladly pay for our Christmas tree this year, and as we piece it together listening to my wife’s favorite collection of Christmas music, thoughts of dead mice will be far from our minds. Have yourself a merry little Christmas in July, and may your days be merry and mouse-free.

 

Rochester resident Matt Knutson is the communications and events director for United Way of Olmsted County.