Across the Pastor’s Desk by Jill Marin

In my own life and in my experience working with people, I have found that feelings of guilt and shame get in the way of happiness and fulfillment in one’s life. Guilt and shame often lead to feelings of unworthiness and even self-hatred. There is a way to move past being stuck in these feelings and to move on to a healthier life.

It is important to understand the difference between the two. Guilt is the feeling that you have done something bad to someone else or committed a crime. Shame has to do with the feeling that one is defective or unacceptable; that one “should” be a different way.

Determine if the guilt or shame is unresolved. Have you confessed to the situation? Have you admitted your guilt to the offended person or party? If you are able to, it is important to do so. Can amends be made? Amends can include apologies, paying back or living a different kind of life. Have you admitted your guilt to God? This is an absolute necessity. He knows the situation anyway. There is nothing we can hide from God. Do not feel alone; we are all in the same boat. Romans 3:23 tells us, “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.” But, 1 John 1:9 lets us know, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” We must then forgive ourselves.

Forgiving ourselves can sometimes be the hardest part. We know what we have done or have failed to do in a situation. These things can haunt us. Sometimes, we have difficulty remembering what we have done. It doesn’t matter. If we confess our sins or faults to God, he is faithful to forgive us. We must also forgive ourselves. If we do not, the feelings of guilt and shame will continue to hold us down, keeping us from true happiness and freedom. If we withhold forgiveness from ourselves, it is as if we are saying that Christ’s death on the cross was not enough to cover our sins. Our sins seem to be worse than others’ sins for some reason. To God, sin is sin. It is all simply missing the mark of his will in our lives. We have all sinned. Christ is the only one who has walked this earth without sin. There is a freedom in that truth. We can know that we are not perfect. We can also know that no one else is perfect.

When we are able to acknowledge our own imperfection, it can be very freeing. We can know that our only perfection and righteousness comes from Christ. We can try to forgive ourselves, and we can try to forgive others. We can live in the abundance of life and move toward God’s will for our lives. If we are stymied by guilt and shame, we are unproductive. We are looking at ourselves as worthless vessels, as if we are vessels that would best be discarded rather than used. This could not be further from the truth. We are all worthy vessels, individuals God created to live upon this earth during this time. Sure, we have all made mistakes. But, one thing we know as true is that God forgives us if we confess to Him.

Still feeling stuck? Ask for help. Talk to your spiritual leader or counselor. Sometimes, having another person’s perspective on a situation makes all the difference. If you have confessed to God and repented, but are still having thoughts of guilt and shame, tell those thoughts, “No!” Refocus on thoughts of truth such as, “I am forgiven” or “I am free.” Make a conscious decision to forgive yourself and others. You will not regret it. And, finally, we always have his promise from Romans 8:28, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” All of those things in our lives that are good or bad, happy or sad, will work together for our good. Forgive yourself.

 

Jill Marin is a pastor at Grace Christian Church in Albert Lea.