The Nice Advice, by Leah Albert

Dear Leah,

It seems like everyone I’ve ever known well has disappointed me. I just don’t have the energy to try anymore. Are there any good people in the world anymore?

— Tired of Trying

 

Dear Tired,

The famous author Jane Austen had one of her characters proclaim “There is so little real friendship in the world!” How true this can be.

Finding true friendship can depend on your age, location and ultimately how hard you’ve looked. At certain times, we can be more focused on superficial concerns, rather than who we truly are and what we value in life.

Teenage years can be very difficult in this way and it can be hard to find true friends when everyone is so busy pretending to be someone else. This happens for adults, too, but as people get older, they realize it’s so much better to be authentic — and it’s far less exhausting! It often happens that when you decide to make this change for yourself, you will begin to encounter people who align with your understanding of life.

If you’re living in an area that is isolated or has too many people (which is a form of isolation), it can be hard to find people simply because they aren’t around or there are so many it is overwhelming. You could try to start a club or create an event for people to attend. It’s best to start in a public location, which is less intimidating. You could also choose to attend community meetings, a workout class, sit and read at the local coffee shop, or try an activity you’re not familiar with such as a local art class.

It may take years to find someone you truly connect with, but you must try to reach out. Many people want to find the same connection you are looking for — and you never know where you may find them. The people we love the most can be very different from us.

I do have to tell you it’s very likely you will be disappointed still, even after you find your ideal companions. We are all human and we all have our faults — people will forget your birthday, and they won’t always be there when you need them. They may be self-focused at times and disregard your feelings. They won’t always remember to do everything you have asked of them.

This is not because they are bad people. They are living in the same world as you and facing the same challenges; some face greater challenges than anything we can fathom.

You should take a look at the reasons why you have been disappointed. Is it because someone has been intentionally hurtful, lied to you, stolen from you, said mean things to you? Or is it because they told you a truth you didn’t want to hear or forgot to return a shirt you let them borrow?

We tend to focus on negative details rather than the whole person, and this is really a waste of energy. What is it that we really want? We want to be seen, heard, appreciated, cared for, allowed to grow.

Life is one big balancing act — it is easy to get distracted from opportunities to meaningfully connect. But it is probably the most valuable act we can do.

Are there any good people in the world? Yes, indeed! They are all around us, waiting to be discovered.

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.