Dear Leah,

Lately I’ve been feeling like my friends have too much control over my life. They have strong opinions and I like that about them, but they have been telling me who I should date or not date. There’s a guy I really like but they keep telling me that he’s a loser because he’s shy and quiet. That’s what I like about him. I feel like if I start dating him, they will constantly be putting him down and I don’t want that. What should I do?

— Friends in Control

 

Dear Friends in Control,

This kind of situation is so common with friendships. Your friends may be trying to protect you from what they think would be a poor match, ultimately leading to heartbreak. They could also be trying to control you, as you feel.

It’s up to you to figure out what the next step should be in your relationship choices. I always suggest people write down a list of qualities or traits they are looking for in a relationship. If you are more intentional about what you feel would be a good fit, you can have a better understanding of the choices that exist for you, rather than relying on others’ perceptions.

Of course, it also depends on how you feel — someone could seem perfect based on a list, but they just don’t work with who you are. Finding someone you truly connect with can be a lot of “trial and error” but sometimes being with the wrong person helps us to understand what we really want. You need to have the freedom to make mistakes and have adventures.

I would suggest you try to change the relationship you have with your friends — so they don’t have the option to control you. You certainly don’t need to tell your friends everything.

It’s wonderful to get good advice, but advice should come from someone who has your best interests at heart. You can also choose to tell them everything after you have gone on your date so they can help you work through any emotions you may be feeling.

Rather than allow them to have control over your choices, you need to limit the opportunities they have to give you advice or feedback. You can ask your friends specific questions or give them one scenario to work through with you.

They don’t know what will make you happy — and no matter how close you are to them, they can’t feel what you are feeling inside. It’s up to you to be able to express your feelings to them and help create a relationship that is supportive rather than destructive.

 

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert.gmail.com.