The Nice Advice, By Leah Albert

Dear Leah,

I’m interested in someone, but he’s not available. I think his relationship is headed for a breakup but I’m not sure. We have been friends for a while and get along really well. I think we’d be good for each other, but I don’t know if I should wait around for him. What should I do?

— Worth Waiting For?

Dear Worth Waiting,

Oh dear — any question that has as much uncertainty as yours does makes it really difficult for me to give a positive response. If I told you to wait, I would be giving you really bad advice.

You should never wait around for someone who you aren’t sure is even available. If you have other areas of your life to focus on, by any means, take care of finishing your education first, or getting that job you’ve always wanted or the promotion you’ve worked so hard for. If things work out, then they work out.

It’s never a good idea to pine after someone who is unavailable. This most often sets us up for disappointment and heartbreak. It’s especially damaging if you imagine yourself in a relationship — this not only can hurt possible relationships for you, but can also negatively impact your friendship.

If you are close friends with him, you should focus on being his friend right now. If he chooses to share details about his relationship challenges, and this causes you to start pondering their breakup, please ask him to stop or take a break until things settle down.

If you participate in negative conversation or slander of his girlfriend or wife, you could end up permanently damaging the relationship or making the situation increasingly uncomfortable for both of you.

If you are able to remove your emotions from the situation, the best thing you can do is to listen to him and let him vent. If things seem to be getting complicated, you can always suggest he seek the advice of a relationship counselor.

There is no shame in asking for help. Most of us don’t have the tools to effectively resolve conflicts with each other. Every relationship takes work. We need to support each other with resolving conflicts, rather than perpetuating them (as gossip and slander tend to do).

If your friend continues to struggle in his relationship and one of them is compelled to end it before some resolution is found, things will likely be as difficult with the next relationship. Even if you want to jump in to his arms, you need to take a pause and decide if he is ready and if you want to take on the baggage that will inevitably be unpacked at some point.

Again, if it is meant to be, it will happen. Yet, your relationship will only be good if you are first friends to each other, have worked to heal past wounds and are intentional about developing a respectful partnership.

 

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.