Dear Leah,

I have a friend, my best friend, and lately she’s made some pretty terrible choices. I met her years ago while we were in college, and we connected as single moms. She’s had a tough life. She was raised by her dad because her mom was on drugs. Her mom died. Her dad suffered with addiction and alcoholism too, and eventually she found him dead as well. This was all before she had her child at 19 years old, with an abusive man who has been in and out of prison and doesn’t acknowledge their child exists. She struggles with poverty and addiction and has a very shaky support system. I have made sure to always be there for her. Let’s just say we have a lot in common.

A week ago she made the decision to drink excessively very early on a Sunday morning, and lock her 6-year-old child out of the house so she could clean her room. Her child ended up at a neighbor’s house and when she didn’t come looking for him for over an hour, the police were called. As you can imagine, she was in horrible condition. 

She shrieked and cried to me for hours over the phone. Complete despair. Dead parents, poverty, the whole kit and caboodle — never once did she take responsibility for her actions. That day she was not in the state of mind to hear what I had to say about what she did. Eventually she calmed down and I was able to tell her how I felt. 

I told her I was angry at her for putting her child in harm’s way. I told her that under no circumstance what she did was right. I let her know I have seen women lose their children for actions similar to hers and she’s a fool if she thinks it won’t happen to her too. I told her to seek out help for herself voluntarily, find peace and healing, before someone forces her to do it. And when she does that, and accepts responsibility for what she did, I would be there for her. She called me a hypocrite and told me to go to hell.

There is a considerable age difference between us, and I guess I’ve loved her as I would a younger sister. As I’ve begun healing from my own trauma, I’ve learned things about myself. Things that I once considered acceptable are no longer tolerated in my life. 

This relationship was never a healthy one. And as I’ve grown I see that I can use her in weakness to go back to icky behavior I’ve left far behind and she will encourage and enable it. I have to walk away from her, but how?

Signed, 

Last Straw

 

Dear Last,

You put one foot in front of the other, and don’t look back. You are no longer in the place you were years ago when you met. You’ve got a new outlook on life, new priorities and solid values. Most importantly, you’ve got your child to set an example for.

No one can help your friend but herself. Not only is she blaming others and minimizing her behavior, she is hurting you, dragging you back to a place you don’t belong. You didn’t say you would never speak to her again. You’ve set very clear boundaries, to protect yourself and encourage her healing.

Now we can only hope she heard you and is strong enough to take the steps she needs to reconcile her past and move forward in a healthy way for herself and her child. I think you walking away for now is the best thing for both of you. You’re doing the right thing. Take care.

 

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.