The Nice Advice by Leah Albert

Dear Leah,

I’ve been in a relationship with my significant other for the past five years—we have a child together and were just married six months ago. I love him so very much but his mother always seems to be trying to ruin our relationship. She is so critical of me and my mothering style. I feel like she’s turning him against me—and I also have noticed she seems to stress him out. I don’t want to be around her anymore and I’m not hiding this from him, which makes him angry with me. I’ve tried to stand up to her, but I end up making both of them mad at me. I’m at my wit’s end — what should I do?

— Help!

 

Dear Help,

It would be wonderful if every new relationship could truly be a fresh start with unlimited possibilities, but this is rarely the case. When we enter relationships, we will often stumble over the baggage our partner brings — or the many suitcases and boxes they are hauling around for others. It sounds like your new husband has quite a lot to deal with already. I’m guessing he has back issues.

When we are hurting emotionally and physically, it is hard to have extra energy to give back to our relationship. He will feel you’re demanding too much by asking him to be present with you, and you will feel he isn’t engaged enough with your relationship and your child. He will feel hurt and angry, and you will feel hurt and angry. It’s a cycle that will perpetuate itself if something isn’t done differently.

Something that may be helpful is to look deeper at the situation — the emotions you are both feeling stem from love for each other and wanting to be a good partner. There are many different aspects of love. Something we need to understand as a society and as people in a relationship is that love evolves throughout the course of a relationship.

I know it seems as though his mother is trying to damage your relationship — perhaps in some ways this is true. But if she can tell that you truly love him and are trying to make the relationship work, there may be other issues going on, such as a fear of losing him in her life or regrets she has as a mother. I’m sure you are beginning to understand the complexity of a mother-child relationship.

The bond between a mother and a child is life-long — even if there are situations that separate them and cause hurt feelings, the bond still remains. It’s ideal if there can be some reconciliation of the emotional turmoil, even if they don’t know how to specifically address what caused it.

Be patient with him and be patient with his mother. I don’t always encourage this, but you may need to bite your tongue — a lot.

 

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.