The Nice Advice, By Leah Albert

Dear Leah,

I am in the process of divorcing my husband. We’ve gone through the house and split our assets, but we’ve hit a rough patch. How do we split our friends? Many of these relationships were formed over many years, with couples we truly enjoyed. I’m finding this to be very awkward, not just for me, but for our friends too.

I’m hoping you can offer some creative advice, and help me get started forming relationships as an individual.

Signed,

In Transition

 

Dear Transition,

Since I’ve never been in this situation personally, I decided to ask a few friends about their experience. This is what I gathered. Hope it helps!

1. Talk about it. Figure out exactly what you want and talk about it with your ex if possible.

2. Accept the losses. Some friendships will come to an end. Your ex’s closest friends probably won’t want to keep you as a friend, just as your closest friends won’t stay friends with your ex.

3. Split or share? If you can, discuss with your ex whether you will split your friends or share them. Try to come up with a list of relationships both of you want to keep.

4. Agree on rules. Try to agree on basic parameters on how to move forward with shared friends. For instance, don’t use friends as weapons. Don’t speak ill of the other or try to alienate people against the other.

5. How it will work. Figure out how to be around the ex socially. How do you feel about being around the other after a divorce? What if one or both is dating?

6. Communicate with friends. Speak directly with mutual friends. Realize they probably don’t know how to stay friends with both of you and will probably welcome some input. Do they invite both of you to social gatherings? What is everyone’s comfort level?

7. Stay flexible. Know that as time passes, the feelings you have now will change. It is possible, particularly if you have children together, that both will eventually be more comfortable sharing friends and socializing in each other’s presence.

 

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.