There are two kinds of advice: good and the kind that is given.

I was reading my mail, the mail without an “e” at the beginning. There was an envelope containing a note in which someone had thanked me for the “good advice.”

I’d been asked and I’d recommended doing what he’d already decided to do.

I try not to offer advice without being asked. On the other hand, I cherish advice that I’m given even if I don’t always follow it.

I heard a friend sigh and utter an oft-repeated phrase, “I wish I’d have known then what I know now.”

I asked him what advice his current self would have given his earlier version.

It was a “Back to the Future” moment without involving actors, refurbished cars, cameras, etc.

He pondered my question before replying, “Learn another language — something like Spanish or Iowan.”

He didn’t ask what advice I’d have given the erstwhile me. It’s just as well. I’m sure I wouldn’t have listened to me. I thought of the poem “Anigonish” written by Hughes Means that goes like this, “Yesterday, upon the stair, I met a man who wasn’t there. He wasn’t there again today, I wish, I wish he’d go away.”

I suspect that would have been the way I’d have considered advice from the future me. I’d have wished the advice had gone away.

As I drove home that day, I thought of things that I might have been willing to share if my junior self had asked for advice.

“Me,” I’d say, “you started out with nothing and if you still have most of it, you’re successful.”

Hitting a June bug while riding a motorcycle hurts. That’s why June bugs wear helmets.

If your idea of auto repair is similar to that of Steven Wright, who said that if you can’t repair your brakes, make your horn louder, hire a mechanic.

Everything is as easy as pie if you don’t have to do it.

Get some sleep while you can. Avoid being a poor dreamer. Let your dreams dance.

Start thinking up passwords now. You’ll need all of them one day.

Learn to tie your shoes so that they will stay tied.

Most people think they know more than you do. They are right.

Try to be good at breathing. As the green grape said to the purple grape, “Breathe!”

You need to have something to look forward to. It might not end up being what you thought it would be, but you never thought it would.

Life may seem as if it’s made up of seemingly endless small tasks, but they aren’t endless.

Don’t give up. Sticking to things creates ecstatic cling.

The three-second rule doesn’t apply to food dropped on the floor of a cattle barn. Suck it up and move on to the next cookie.

Wanting to be an adult is a natural thing, but it’s not unlike a dog being excited about going for a ride in the car, only to discover that it’s going to the vet’s office.

If you drink deeply from the cup of life, there will be spills — especially cranberry juice on a new white shirt.

Don’t call yourself a grown-up until you’ve let go of the training wheels.

Don’t be greedy, but pick up every penny you see on the ground. Lift it with your knees, not your back.

Limit your complaints. No one wants to hear them except those who are pleased to know you have some.

One day, you’ll find a wonderful someone willing to marry you. If you and your spouse never disagree, one of you has died.

My father gave me good advice before I got married. “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

This is frequently offered in the “Happy wife, happy life” version.

The other bit of counsel that Dad shared with me was, “Never anger a cook.”

An uncle told me that I should be satisfied getting in the second-to-last word.

In “Oklahoma,” Aunt Eller sang some good advice, “I don’t say I’m no better than anybody else, but I’ll be danged if I ain’t just as good.”

In “Stairway To Heaven,” Led Zeppelin included this in the lyrics, “There’s still time to change the road you’re on.”

Be kinder. An easy way to start is by never saying, “I told you so.”

Every day above ground is a good one.

As the singer Warren Zevon said, “Enjoy every sandwich.”

Even if it comes with unwanted advice.

 

Al Batt’s columns appear every Wednesday and Sunday.