Graduates, parents, friends, faculty, innocent bystanders, creditors and those with a malfunctioning GPS, it’s a great pleasure to speak to you at this graduation. Welcome former, current and past revenue streams of this school.

The awards ceremony was nice. I’ll bet that the parents of the best Googler in the class couldn’t be prouder.

I was chosen to speak to you today for two reasons. First, when I attended this fine institution, I left school early because my brain was full. Secondly, the real estate tycoon originally picked to speak to you is under house arrest. I don’t mean to brag, but my name is found in every can of alphabet soup and I’ve elbowed my way to the middle.

Our class motto was, “It wasn’t our fault.” That meant that we were more ambitious than the class a year ahead of us. Their motto was, “We didn’t do it.”

Many people will tell you that this is the first day of the rest of your life. Feel free to reply with a “Duh!”

Remember when that wizard came to an assembly in junior high school? He promised that any student whose mind was strong enough to overcome his power to control it and be able to remember his promise until this day, would have his or her college education paid for. Nobody remembers that? You should have written it down.

I need to quote somebody here. I think I’ll hit you with a Lord Chesterfield quote. He might have invented a brand of cigarette, but I’m not sure. He said, “If we do not plant knowledge when young, it will give us no shade when we are old.” Of course, we’d still have air conditioning.

One quote isn’t enough. Here’s another. Carl W. Buehner said this, but it’s often incorrectly attributed to Maya Angelou, “They may forget what you said — but they will never forget how you made them feel.”

How does that make you feel?

I realize that you were all up to know good in school, but this is the part of the talk where I give you some helpful advice. I’m happy to give it to you because I’ll never use it. I realize that you grew up without having Roy Rogers, Gene Autry, John Wayne, Hopalong Cassidy or Davy Crockett available to lead you down the righteous path, but you’ve had more time than some who have gone before you. You didn’t have to be kind and rewind rented videocassettes. Without those guys to act as your moral compass, you’re stuck with me. I give good advice. For example, I was walking down a Minneapolis street when a car pulled over and the driver asked me how to get to the University of Minnesota. I told him, “First, you have to make it through high school.”

That’s helpful advice right there. Here’s some more.

People with too much money seldom deserve it. Get over it.

Your boss will not accept a written excuse from your mother.

The best advice you’ll ever get is, “Forget about it.” The worst advice you’ll ever get is, “Forget about it.”

Failure is always an option, so before you do anything, ask your mother first.

Write it down.

It’s a good idea to drink club soda when you’re dressed in your fancy duds and posh frocks. If you spill it on your garments, it cleans them.

Eat more than your share of beets. I don’t care for them that much, so you can have my share.

It’s always something.

Don’t fret about an expired coupon. It’s good when your coupons expire before you do.

If you feel as if you’re doing something wrong, chances are good that you’re doing something wrong.

If you want to store something in a good place, put it in the first place that you’d look for it.

Put off until tomorrow what you should do today. By tomorrow, there might be an app for it.

Take a good look at yourself in the mirror. If you see your image, you’re not a vampire. That’s a good thing.

Now that you’ve graduated, you’ll be able to do those things that you’ve never wanted to do. It’s your job to find a job and spend your own money.

In closing, let me just say zip-a-dee-doo-dah. That’s a friendly reminder to watch your step where people have walked their zip-a-dees.

I hope that you’ll always have something to hope for.

 

Al Batt’s columns appear in the Tribune every Wednesday and Sunday.