The Nice Advice by Leah Albert

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.

 

Dear Leah,

I adopted my son at 3 days old. My husband and I love him very much. He has been given a loving home and many opportunities. He is exceptionally bright and musically talented. 

He could not relate to school as he found it boring and started using pot and hung out with teens with drug issues. He never completed high school and found partying more to his liking. We tried to encourage counseling regarding adoption issues, loss, etc., but he refused. 

At 19, he chose a trade and left home to fend for himself. He has a good work ethic. However, his partying is nonstop with the same friends coming to his apartment at all hours. He has faced many hard times for his partying. 

We think he parties to cover his sense of loss (he discovered his birth mother had passed away), met his birth grandparents but has not pursued them further as they really don’t want him in their lives. 

He is very kind and caring so people really like him. How can we help him to address this continuing partying behavior and having people around him all the time. He does not live with us, nor asks us for anything. We love him and want to do whatever we can for him. How can we help him address his pain?

Signed, Worried

 

Dear Worried,

It is quite painful to see someone you love having difficulties and going down a different path than you feel is helpful to him.

He is 19 and able to fend for himself, so it’s not clear how much of his behavior is what 19 year olds do while they are attempting to find themselves and figure their lives out and what is based on his unique situation.

From your letter, it is unclear how much trouble your son is in. That being said, you cannot “make” him deal with issues that you suspect may be interfering in his life. I would recommend that you and your husband speak with a therapist about the best way to parent your almost adult child.

Love him, unconditionally. Hopefully, in his own time, he will begin to address some of the issues and make sense of how his adoption impacts his present life. Take care!

Leah