The Nice Advice by Leah Albert

Dear Leah,

I’m new at this but I’m in desperate need of help. My 12 year-old daughter caught me talking to another man. My husband wanted me to stay in the relationship and work it out, so I did. Now about a year later her behavior is out of control. 

She doesn’t want to listen to anything we say, won’t do anything we ask her to do, rolls her eyes, lies to us over stupid things and is mean to her brother and calls him a girl. When she said she hates us, my husband told her that she has no right to hate us, so then she changed it and says that she just hates me. All she ever does is put me down. She even tells us she doesn’t want to live with us — she wants to live with her grandma. 

But her grandma can’t even take care of herself because she has had back surgery and stays in bed 90 percent of the day. My husband is asking me if we should just give in and let her have her way and live with his mom, or not ground her for anything. I’m tired of it all and can’t handle all this stress! I don’t know what to do. I need help!

Signed, Mom in Distress

 

Dear Mom,

You need to separate what happened between you and that other man last year and what’s going on with your daughter right now.

Although she might have been upset about your actions, that does not make it acceptable for her to take out her anger on the whole family. I definitely do not think you should give in to her request that she go live with her grandmother. That would give her the message that whenever a situation is tough, you just escape rather than directly deal with the circumstances.

You and your husband are the parents, and now is the time to live up to what those roles entail. The three of you need to start talking about expectations, about what is and is not acceptable, and what the consequences are for not following family rules (such as treating each other with respect).

Keep in mind that your daughter might be acting out for a number of reasons, including what she heard you say to a man who was not her father, her concerns about the state of your marriage and the typical ups and downs of being a young adolescent. Take care.

Leah

 

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.