The Nice Advice, By Leah Albert

Dear Leah,

My 17 1/2 year old daughter went on her first date with a friend she’s known for two years and who she’s been hanging out with in an online game. This was two weeks ago. She was very excited and shared their plans with me. I asked for details about the boy and she happily shared.

Each time she kept in touch and gave me an update. Everything sounded fine. Then on Monday I got scratched by something between the couch cushions. It was an empty condom wrapper.

Now understand, I’m a single mom with young kids at home. There’s no circumstance where you would find something like this in the house. I confronted my daughter, and she came clean. It turned out that everything she told me was a lie. Yes, she lost her virginity and they didn’t do anything she claimed.

This guy was not a school friend like she led me to believe. In fact, he lives four hours away and he is not 18. She said he’s 23 going on 24. I looked him up on Facebook. He looks like he’s at least 35 or even 40. No other identifying information could I find to corroborate his age.

I stayed calm and we talked. She understands and agrees that lying to me, endangering herself and that giving up her virginity to someone she just met for the first time in person were not good decisions. This was wrong and she’s lucky something worse hadn’t happened. However, she doesn’t agree that online friendships/ relationships aren’t real.

She doesn’t (or won’t) understand that he’s a predator and she’s his victim. She’s agreed not to see him again but she’s angry at me for turning this into something dark and terrible. She refuses to talk anymore. I don’t want to traumatize her further, but I can’t let this go. What should I do? Go to the police? Or let it go? Help!

Signed, Traumatized Mom

Dear Traumatized Mom,

Try to understand why she lied to you — perhaps she didn’t want you to be disappointed by her actions. And let her know that while you understand why she did not tell you the truth initially, lying makes it more difficult for you to trust her.

Explain that it’s normal to be attracted to someone who is different (older and more mysterious, for instance) than the people she usually spends her time with, but that doesn’t mean she should be acting on her feelings so quickly. While many people today meet their spouses online, unfortunately there are also instances of predators who use the Internet to find their victims. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

Since your daughter is still living at home, suggest that if she’s going to continue to date people she meets online, ask her to invite them to your house so you’ll have a chance to meet them. Also, urge your daughter to spend time in a public place with a new guy until she (and maybe you) has had an opportunity to learn more about him. But, you should also encourage her to get involved in school and community activities that will allow her to meet a variety of people.

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.