Al Batt’s columns appear every Wednesday and Sunday.

My doorbell rang.

I opened the door and a robed visitor accompanied by sitar music walked in. The renowned mystic from the Far East (the easternmost part of the township), the fabled soothsayer, the seventh son of the seventh son of the seventh son, the oracle from just down the road; Swami Davis Jr. stopped by to give me his predictions for 2015. He knows little, but suspects a lot. He excels at predicting everything but the future.

The Swami has been indwelled by a spirit of divination, a muse of unearthly clairvoyance. The Swami sees all, knows all and reveals all to those who proffer tribute. A savant of such gifts that within his psyche lie the limits of human understanding. As a fearless, feckless and foolish seer, he is without peer. Even though unreasonable zoning laws discouraging the ancient Roman practice of haruspicy (divining the future by examining the entrails of recently slaughtered beasts) hamper him, you could take his predictions to the bank. Many have called him a bum seer and a purveyor of impaired prognostications, but at least one person (his mother) has called him “uncannily accurate.” Swami Davis Jr. is a reader of palms and tea leaves—he takes an orange pekoe at the future. Reading tea leaves is difficult. There is no plot or character development. His crystal ball (purchased at a rummage sale at Bowling Elaine’s) is back from the shop after having its foreteller replaced.

“Swami Davis Jr., who illuminates the dark corners of our culture, whose knowledge is beyond compare. By contrast, Nostradamus was nothing more than a flawed speculator. Oh, wise Swami, thou vessel of infinite wisdom, who is omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent, tell me, your humble implorer, what the future holds,” I entreat, knowing that most of my future lies ahead. I’m atwitter with anticipation.

Swami Davis Jr. is a cowboy who rounds up predictions. He sees into the future by turning his car’s rearview mirror around. Even though he believes that you can’t handle the sooth, here are his bold predictions for 2017.

In a novel attempt at controlling costs, Congress will double as the national zoo.

The Department of Transportation will make those who have adopted a highway responsible for its upkeep.

A concerned citizens group will call for a moratorium on presidential elections.

If you buy cheap toilet paper, 2017 will get off to a rough start.

The dictionary will allow 47 alternative spellings for “gullible.”

There will be at least 14 storms of the century in 2017.

Gravy will replace kale as one of the healthiest foods.

Comma, usage, will, increase, dramatically, in, all, forms, of, writing.

You will live a long time if you eat enough fortune cookies, but too many birthdays could kill you.

A TV cooking show based in a nudist colony will end after an unfortunate episode featuring frying bacon.

Donald Trump will become president. The Swami apologizes for this prediction that was inadvertently left out of last year’s column on predictions for 2016.

Corn prices and yields will vary. Corny jokes will remain constant.

The Minnesota Vikings will change their team colors to some that will look better on TV.

Snow globes will continue to be prone to earthquakes.

A flea circus will close due to a bedbug infestation.

Fifty-nine of you, when asked by a cashier if you found everything you were looking for, will take the cashier’s hand and say, “I have now.”

Pro wrestling will be proven to be the single biggest cause of global warming.

A college education at Ivy League colleges will cost more than a graduate might expect to earn in a lifetime.

The temperature will be hot, cold and lukewarm, but not necessarily in that order.

A self-driving car will give itself a speeding ticket.

Every new movie will be either a sequel or inspired by a comic book.

The Minnesota Twins will save fans a lot of money by not needing to sell playoff and World Series tickets.

Customers will build a new Ikea building.

Politicians will continue to lie to us because we refuse to believe them when they tell the truth.

Men will be required to wear hats when indoors.

The future will be so bright that you will need to squint.

In an uncertain world, the Swami brings more uncertainty to light. There is no app for that.

What went around will come around. Tomorrow will be another day — probably last Tuesday.

The good times will continue to roll.